Horses are mans best friend

This blog has been deleted... due to too much honesty and too many thoughts that may make people mad. NOT that I care if you get mad or not... I just don't want to deal with your drama!!! Doesn't this suck? See if you wouldn't get mad about the truth than you wouldn't be sitting there wondering what this blog was really about!

It's been a while ...

HELLOOOOOO EVERYBODY!!! I'm back and I have so much to tell you all about. I wish that a lot of you could just walk beside me through my days... because that's the only way you are going to believe how much I have changed in the past three weeks!! So, tomorrow, I'm telling my story for the first time in church and I am super energized about this because let me tell you what the devil has done to try to shut me up. He put me in St Albans for a week, he really discouraged me throughout the very next week, and THEN he went and made me really mad tonight to the point that I was cussing under my breath!! I had to immediately pray that demon away. But, you know, that's really just giving him too much credit for my taste, let me tell you what God did in me through all of that...

Just three weeks ago, I was so depressed and suicidal that I picked up an old friend. No, it wasn't a drink or a drug (I'm still clean Praise God)... it was a razor. I had been fighting this depression for four months and it finally just got to me. So... I told my parents part of my problem... told my sponsor and they all asked "Do you need to be admitted?" - ugh... I HATE that question. Because my answer is often yes. So to St Albans mental health center we went. I was there for four days... I felt better when I got out... but my therapists and my doctor "ignited my oven" as one friend put it... so now I'm just "sitting here burning and about to explode". Which was true because I went off and took all my frustration out at NA the day I got out of the hospital. So there I was scrambling my eggs in my head and burning them to a crisp... when this thought hit me "You are out of the mental ward... back in your environment, you have people around you who don't judge you and most importantly they all seem to love you!" ....WHOA!!! That's all I had to say to that thought. Because wow, I didn't know I could get that from one group of people... maybe from one person at a time... but a whole group... WHAT? No way... so I questioned the thought... by the time the next NA meeting came up... I went from an "about to explode oven" to a VERY VERY VERY VERY grateful person. I was grateful for everyone in NA... and I told them about it. Because it's been quite a while since I have been able to be truly grateful for someone. That darn devil came back after this big event... and stole my joy about it. The voice in my head went completely out of control... telling me that I couldn't be what I wanted to be in life because of something that my medicine causes me to do. That I won't have these "friends" for long, because they will get sick of me eventually and to just be prepared. Then the side effects and withdrawals of my medicine change started getting to me. The shakes, the head aches, the dizziness, the seizures. Are you kidding me? No... I'm for real. So this all piled up on me... and I wasn't quite sure what to do. ... I was beginning to think poorly of myself. Now, it's really hard to read me, in way. You can't really tell from one day to the next what is about to come out of my mouth. I was fine on the outside and burning my eggs still on the inside. So tonight we had choir practice at my Dad's church. And even though my mood is fine, I'm still burning my eggs on the inside. So it doesn't take much to make me tick. And go figure, my brother in law was the one to make me tick. UGH ... he drove me nuts tonight. He could NOT work the sound system and kept messing up. I was so frustrated that I said, OUT LOUD, "learn to work it". I was mic'd and everything. So I know he heard me... poor guy he can't help but be dumb about some things. Then after that I just brewed in my frustration when finally I had to pray that demon away. I took a minute to look around... at the people... only a couple of the people around me knew my story... and they only knew it because they were there while it was happening. One in particular... I'm not going to mention her name, if she reads this she knows who she is. She's never cast judgement on me. NEVER... I know this because she's always loved me... unconditionally. So here we go again... ANOTHER ONE... perhaps this one doesn't understand as much as the other group of people... but I found myself being truly grateful for this person. So for the next few minutes ... I thought about it. I never came to a conclusion on my thoughts... I'm still in the middle of them. All my brother in law did was goof up the sound system... and I was getting mad at him for it. While in the same room stood a woman who had watched me goof up a lot of my life and she never got MAD .. she got frustrated!! Does that make sense? Umm. NO!

So, I know this blog was kind of fuzzy... but did you see all the change? The spiritual growth? The sudden appreciation for people God has put in my life? ... big changes.

Well, it's that time... yes I now go to bed at 9:30pm!! Sad I know... well Good night to you and God bless.

PEACE

Praise and Worship

I just got back from an amazing concert! OK - so it wasn't THAT amazing... but in a way it was. Have you ever had a time in your life where you were doing all the right things but everything was still going wrong? I was wanting to write a book earlier this week called "Doing all the right things the wrong way". Because that's how I felt!! But tonight was an eye opening night for me. See I've been struggling with my disease of addiction and with my bipolar... my meds are being changed, my sponsor is trying to get me to work the 12 steps (well not all of them at once just one of them), I decided that I'm not going to school (yeah big surprise there. What makes it even better is that a friend my mine just graduated with the degree I wanted. Why is that a problem? Because I've worked harder than she has at horses and I can prove it), I've been really depressed and needy, and to top it all off I'm in love with a guy that is headed to prison in two months!! Good job Kristan!!! This concert... was a christian concert and mainly what happened was that Va Tech got a bunch of college students together and a couple bands and praised God for two hours!! The bands were good... if I couldn't ride horses I would be a professional musician. But thank the Lord that I can ride horses! But what I got out of the whole thing was "wow God ... my focus is WAY off!!" God just moved in a way and spoke to me so loud and clear in that auditorium. He said "Kristan, It's about ME!!". The bands kept saying 'Let's make Jesus Famous' that was kind of the theme. And my thought was "Here I am and I'm so focused on .. NA and the 12 steps, and medication, and school, and horses, and etc... all I need to do is focus on God and He will work everything else out and I don't have to do all this work!!" - I kind of laughed at myself. Because it's so simple! You know, life was getting too complicated because I was trying to better myself by relying on the 12 steps to get me straightened out and by relying on meds to keep me sane. This one song tonight said "Jesus you are my sanity"... and it clicked and I was like OMG!!! That is SOOOOO true. There's even a Bible verse that says God will make you sane and that's what he wants for you. It's in 1 Timothy I think. So here I am saying to myself "doing all the right things the wrong way"... well it's TRUE!! I was... and now it's time to refocus. God is the answer. He's the answer to my depression, to my addiction, to my bipolar... He may not take those things away but He can and He will make them bareable! All I have to do is focus on Him and give Him number one priority and make Him the center of my attention!! Let me tell you, I haven't had a center to my attention for while!! It's been everywhere - and not really focused. He... is amazing. He took my sins, bared them on a rugged cross, died in my place... and here's where some people get lost but He rose again! Stared death in the face and simply said "you lose". How amazing is that? He won the war and now we can live free from the chains that bind us... if we choose to follow Him!! Now, my frustration (because you know I had to have one) - is that not everyone chooses to follow Him. Some people hear about it... know about it... even been to church a few times... and it's still not a big deal!! People... God is a BIG deal! Heaven or hell... REALLY BIG deal!! Living life God's way is so much better than living life the world's way!! Because God blesses beyond what you could imagine when we're faithful! What gets me is you bring God up to these people... and they don't want to hear it. They need to hear it... they would change their minds about God if they would listen with an open mind and an open heart! But Just like you can't force anyone to stop using drugs, you can't force anyone to believe in and have a relationship with God!! For those of you reading.. God Just wants to Love you and have a relationship with you!! That's all... He wants the best for you. His love is endless, even when we are bad... He still loves us and has compassion and the minute we ask for forgiveness he forgets about it and forgives us!! It's simply amazing and wonderful.
Now... I'll get off the pulpit... I am just simply revived because of the wonderful praise and worship I was in tonight!!

Late night

Good Morning!! Or should I say "Gosh it's early"? Here I am, awake in the middle of the night... on the night of a show!! NOT an ideal time for the sleeping meds to not work. But, at least I won't be drowsy driving the truck at 5:30am. I have a horse trials today and I'm doing everything in my power to be prepared for it. But I am still yet powerless over my disease... and thus getting rested up for the event is beyond my reach. No worries, tomorrow I'll be fine with a strong cup of coffee, a few Mt Dew's... and a good ride on my horse named Max!! The adrenaline will pump one way or the other!
You know, here recently people have been coming in and out of my life like crazy. It's really been a hectic time for me. And I've met some of the nicest most caring people... in the strangest of places. No offense to church going folk... but I haven't found these people in church. In that same statement, I wish that I could get these people in church. Because I consider them to be my friends now, and I don't want them to miss out on the best thing in life. It's interesting because I'm referring to my friends in NA... and they have a higher power and some of them even call his name to be God. They pray daily, they rely on Him daily... but it's based on how they understand him. I wish that I could show them more of the one true God that really has blessed them and pulled them through their problems... so that they could understand Him and have a relationship with Him! I think that they would be surprised at how much it would change their recovery. Church going folk are all too hard to come by these days... oh sure they're everywhere... in their houses keeping safe from the boogie man outside. Reaching out seems to be more of a work out now days than it used to be. Some don't want to put that kind of effort into it, and some are just too comfortable. I asked my church going friend where I could find a church fellowship of people my age... so that I could surround my self with better influences. She knew of a place and is currently on a mission to look it up for me.
I realize that I talk about my friends an awful lot on here... but you need to understand... my friends are often times the ones who I rely on to be there for me when I trip up or trip out! Tonight I couldn't sleep worth a darn, so I rolled out of bed and checked my mail just to find an email from an old friend who I consider very dear to me. She has stuck with me through thick and thin... and has put up with all my nonsense plus some! She's still there... she wrote me tonight and said "good luck tomorrow"... my thought was 'man I wish she were going with me'. She would be lost in the world of eventing, but having her there would make my day and I wouldn't feel so pressured! There was a day that she used to go with me to almost every show I went to. And occasionally she would leave early because I would get injured and she would be the one to take me home! When I say she's been there through thick and thin I mean every single word of it!!
Another friend for ya - Leon Armstrong. Same way... thick and thin... and sometimes worse!! He has known me since I was born... now we are like father and daughter. I wouldn't know what to do with out Leon!! He knows me best probably - whats worse is that he knows me sometimes better than I do. And he tells me what I'm going to do ... it gets frustrating at times because I don't like it, but I do eventually do what he says despite my rebelliousness. I always fuss about christians and how they are the worst to deal with when it comes to being friends with them... but then I think about Leon... he's a minister!! And I wouldn't trade my relationship with him, for anything on the planet... not even a horse!!
And how about my first ever boss? She is someone who has hung out in my life for quite some time!! She was probably the coolest boss I ever had... strict... but I some how found my way into her heart! I was just too cute, how could she resist?! :) I think she actually hired me three times... and I quit on her all three times. Unfortunatly the quits got uglier and uglier as they went... but she still loved me through it. Now she is a great friend... if I ever needed something all I'd have to do is tramp into her office and say it. She's a christian too btw... and she's not too hard to deal with!! :) I'm harder for her to deal with than she is for me to deal with!!! Imagine that if you will??
Well my peeps... I'm still wide open... and probably will be til it's time to get up. But... I think this rambling must come to an end sometime.
OH wait... let me just say ... never judge people for what they do. You never know how they might be able to help you. I'm not a big judge myself... but I still find myself surprised when the oddest people do something you wouldn't expect them to do based off of what you know of them. It's wonderful to be in a fellowship of non-judgemental people at NA. Don't get me wrong the fellowship at my church is great too... I love those people... those people just have a harder time accepting me for who I am. Because I am so out there!! In NA there are people similar to me... HA - scary isn't it? I think it's great!! Because, sometimes it feels like we are the only ones... when we aren't... we are just one of thousands! And those thousands are looking for people like me to be friends with... because we need each other!! This brings me to my favorite Beatles song of all time "All you need is love, all you need is love. All you need is love, love.... love is all you need".

DarkTime

Here recently, I've been in a real dark place! Just mentally, spiritually, emotionally... it's been a bit of a struggle. And the person I needed most and that I hoped would be there ... turned her back on me two weeks ago and I haven't heard from her since. THAT was hard, and hurt me very deeply. I'm still not over it. I'm in the grieving process... because it was a great loss for me. So that just makes things darker right? So, as my readers you may not know a lot about me... but I'm a recovering drug addict. And recently staying clean has been a super struggle because you know, I'm in this dark place and so I automatically go back to that need of drugs. So I went to my first ever NA meeting. Where something strange happened... I started meeting new people. Now let me explain... I'm on safe guard of my feelings and my relationships right now because of what my best friend just did to me!! OK... so I'm being super protective!! I met a girl from my church first of all... and she's cool (she's probably reading this) ... and all that but... I just can't click with her because of all the people I'm afraid of ... I'm afraid of church people!! They are, to me, the worst to deal with. And I'm in a super "protect my feelings" mode!! Not saying that she is going to intentionally hurt me... but you get my point. So I was having a really bad day the other day and I needed someone to talk to... my best friend wasn't there (because she LEFT me)... and some lady from the NA meeting gave me her number, so I dialed it. We talked about what was bothering me... and all day today we talked about me. And it was great to have someone to throw thoughts at throughout the day. I felt like she understood me to a point... but there was that point that I couldn't get passed. And out of no where, I just freaked out on her... and said "You know what, I think I just want to get through this solo"... basically telling her I don't need you, please leave me alone! THEN I said "no offense intended". *sigh*... It was that stinking "protect my feelings" mode that I'm in. I had welding class tonight... and I was in my little pod thinking about it... and I came to the conclusion that I just don't have the WANT right now to make new friends. I'm scared to. I don't want to get close to my current friends and I don't want to make new friends. So I was driving around tonight in my truck after class and God came to mind. So I prayed... and I said "God I think what I want is that ultimate friend. You know the one that never leaves you... and that loves you as much as you love them!! The one that picks up the phone when you call, or the one that calls you occasionally just to check on you... You God... are my ultimate friend. I KNOW That. You'll never leave me or forsake me... you are always there to listen, you are always supportive and you always have the right things to say. You are my best friend... but I WANT you in human form!!! Why can't I find you in human form? Why didn't you put me in Jesus' time so I could have had you in human form!?! Because you knew I couldn't handle watching him die on the cross? But yet you let all my really close friends walk away... I don't understand Lord!! God give me that ultimate best friend in human form!! I NEED that right now... that hug, that "love ya"... that human contact.". BUT I had just chased off a very nice lady from NA!!!! How confusing is that? Here I was asking God for a best friend but chasing off anybody who got relatively close!! You know what one of my friends calls it? Self-destructiveness. Now, if you know anything about me... you know that the word "self-destructive" fits me to a T. I tend to get that way a lot of times. And it scares the people around me sometimes. ... ... I have friends. But I don't have that ... once in a life time friend. I thought I had that friend... but I was apparently wrong. I'll admit... I'm hard to handle some days... and some days I'm a pistol to deal with... and all the other days I'm cool!! I promise :) But God is placing new people in my life right at the time that I lost my real good friend... and I'm saying "You can't replace her God". And it's like He's saying right back "I'm trying to give you better"... And I'm just saying "You can't"!! Not because He is a limited God but because I put Him in a box and I only let Him do certain things in my life!! Don't we??? And I use the excuse "I'm scared of getting my feelings hurt"... Guys... People are going to hurt you... PERIOD!! Best friend forever or not... they're gonna hurt you. So why am I putting God in a box and saying "You can't give me better than what I had"? He can I just have to let Him... and I'm going to get hurt again! There's a song and it goes "I'll go through the valleys if you (God) want me to" that's what I'm telling God with my mouth... but all my actions are saying WHOA GOD!!!! I'm NOT going there again!! But God doesn't want me to go through this dark time solo. I'm asking for a real close friend... but I'm refusing all that come within ten feet of me. Ugh... Dark times people... this isn't all of the dark times... this is just an issue that has come up during the dark times!! I need some prayer... some support... some friends :) To all my friends that are reading... and to all my "not friends anymore" friends... I love you guys. You are all something special... Peace.

Dreams

So tonight was interesting for me. I went to a horse auction, which isn't a big deal. I was asked to ride a horse through the sale for a lady, and for a few bucks, I thought, why not? It's kind of my job if you think about it. It was fun for me though. I rode this paint horse (who had no spots and an arabian head) who hadn't been ridden in several months, and that I'd never met before in my entire life. So we get him to the sale and I just hop on, like it was no big deal! Can you believe me? I am that ... dumb!! To just hop on a horse that I don't know!! Ha, it's my job and I love it!! So this horse was cool, stubborn and sassy, but cool. I worked with him a little, walked him around the barns... and finally I decided that it would be better if I just tied him up and let people look at him. So I go tie him up... and I see someone I know. An old friend that I used to ride with at the stable that I first learned to ride at. I was excited to see a familiar face that I hadn't seen in forever. In this excitement I went over and struck up a conversation. We talked about the here and now...and how things are. This friend used to tell me what she wanted to be when she got out of school. She went to school for equine science. She wanted to have a horse farm, training western pleasure horses, showing the circuits. And when we parted ways years ago, I wasn't sure where she was going to go with her horse career. But tonight I found out and it made me stumble over myself a bit. It gave me a stronger desire to accomplish my goals. I was talking to my friend, and she was selling two of her three horses. I asked "for how much" and she said "make me an offer". She was going to take whatever for them, just to get rid of them. I continued to ask questions to figure out how her horse career had been going... because I felt like something wasn't right. Come to find she was selling the arabian because she's too small. That's a good reason, if the horse is too small, there's not much you can do with it. She was also selling a big, good sized, nice looking appaloosa gelding. When I acquired as to why she was selling him she said "I bought a trained quarter horse" . That really didn't answer my question... but with further investigation I found out that the gelding is difficult to get on... he tends to bolt when you get on. He's green broke and doesn't know much. Needs some training. I thought to myself "So why not just train him?" - then the memory came back to me that this girl was never the "just get on and hold on" type... she was more of the "ride as long as every thing goes the way I want it to". Training the bad horse was never her speciality. Then after a little more talk, the truth came out... she said "my husband has put his foot down and has told me that I can only have ONE horse". And her, being the way she is, chose the one that suits her best. The well trained western pleasure quarter horse. I suddenly had a heart ache for this girl. She used to dream of a horse farm that produced well trained western pleasure horses. And now she is settling for one quarter horse... that was trained by someone else... riding it around the farm... not going after that once upon a time dream. As I was talking to her I sensed that she had lost something... her ambition, her drive, her passion... it wasn't there tonight when I talked to her. She lost the dream!! At first I wanted to blame the husband for not letting her dream and go for it. But reality is that if her passion wasn't deep enough... than her dream meant nothing to her. It was sad to see. It got me to thinking about me and my dreams. You know, I live my dream... every time I get on a horse! Tonight, riding that horse for that lady - that's my dream. To just ride horses for people and make my living at it. Of course I want to take it to another level... of becoming good at it and well known... and showing and going to the top!! It's my passion, it's my sport, it's my love, it's my dream!!! And I'm going to school for it in March and I'm soooo pumped up about it. Because that's just another step towards my dream coming true. Tonight, having talked to my friend and watched her practically give her horses away... I saw a person who lost her dream... it showed on her face and she proved it in her talk... for me, losing my dream would be like losing my life!! It's what keeps me going. Dreams... don't let them slip away and don't let people take them away either!!

Trips and Falls

Let's talk about trips and falls.
Road trips in particular. They are fun... things happen on road trips that don't happen any where else. I took two road trips recently that were quite entertaining. One road trip that I took ended within the first ten minutes of the show! I was driving down the interstate, going 70mph ... pulling my horse trailer going to a horse show. When all of the sudden the hood on my truck comes flying up at me!! I yell CRAP and throw on my flashers - slow down, use my mirrors to pull off to the side of the road. You know what I did? I called my Daddy :) He came and we hammered the hood back down because the hinges were busted and the hood was bent up. We took a hay net (because we didn't have a rope or a chain) and tied the hood down. As for the horses and myself and the two other girls - we called the owner of one of the horses and she came and picked us up and took us on to the show. The show went great once we got there! I mean, if anything was going to happen that day it was going to happen to us!! But besides that the day was great. The horses were really good and we placed in every class we went in. Yay for us! Yay for my little sister especially - this was her third show and it was the horses first show and they placed 1st, 2nd, 5th, and 6th in their classes!! The pair looked great!Max and I didn't look bad either!!


OK, so on to the next road trip. We take the truck with the hood that is wratchet strap tied down. We take the horse trailer and we head down the road. We being me, my Dad, and my little sis. My truck is a single cab... and it has a bench seat in it that isn't adjustable. So we head down the road and the trip is supposed to take 3 hours. And about an hour into the trip - we started to lose feeling in our sitters. Sitting straight up and down for three hours is tough. We would know because that's what we did! We arrived at the horse's location around 8:00 so it's dark. And I get out of the truck and I see this horse who is flipping out breaking his rope that has him tied!! So now he is loose and running around. I'm thinking "great this horse is a freak". So, we are talking to this lady and she is like "he's super cool and quiet" and then I look at the bit she is putting in this horse's mouth and it happens to be a very strong bit that we call an elevator bit! Again the word "great" runs through my head. The lady gets on him and rides him around her back yard, in the dark. He doesn't care about the pool, the swing set, the dog, the cat, the picnic table... the train that blows past us!! So he was really super cool. I get on him because my little sister is freaked out about this whole thing - and what does he do? The horse flips out on me! I'm still not sure why, but oh well. I ride through it and start trotting him around. He was super cool, so my little sister got on him did walk trot... and she decided she liked him. So we brought him home!! The ride home was just as pleasant... and then we had the unloading of the horse! He did not like backing off the trailer. He would put one foot on the ground and leap back onto the trailer. We did this over and over... finally I had to just shove him out of the trailer. So now, my little sister is the proud new owner of a thoroughbred gelding, named Fly!!
So that's it for road trips... now lets talk about falls... like falling off of horses! I took a trip off of a horse... my horse Max. There we were Saturday, jumping a jumper round... cantering the jumps (that's a big deal), not bucking so much!! It was going great... but we started having a problem... he would go off to the side on lines. So I circled him once, came back around and started the line again, the first jump went great, the second jump in the line came up fast and he was headed straight for the standard (which is the part of the jump that holds the poll up, so it is quite a bit taller than the actual jump itself!). I didn't want to ride out a refusal so I let him jump it... and he made it over... in a twisted sort of way - me on the other hand I hit the ground!! After that point... I don't remember what I happened! I kind of hit my head and had a concussion with memory loss. Apparently I fell off, got back on (like a good trainer does) and did the whole course again then stopped to ask my little sister what the course was!! Did I mention that I had jumped this course like 12 times; I made up the course!!! After that my little sister asked me a bunch of questions that I couldn't answer, so she called 911. Problem was that once she called 911 she couldn't get me off of the horse because I wanted to jump some more! Of course I remember none of this, this is just stuff that I have been told! I apparently asked what day it was like 6 different times, to different people. Someone did finally get me off the horse by telling me that my ride was over!! I apparently walked into the barn that was filled with horses that I either own or train... and I asked "Who are these horses"!! The ambulance got there... and there were all these mother's there that were freaked out and all these kids that were freaked out... and the ambulance driver doesn't concern herself with me... she starts talking to them!! Luckily her side kick did find me and asked a bunch of questions... which I also don't remember! I remember getting into the ambulance and riding to the hospital. Then I spent the next couple of hours in the hospital ... being entertained by my dear ol' Dad!! Who would not leave things alone... it's a wonder I don't have heart condition. The Doc says it was "just" a concussion with some strain to the neck. Pain relievers out the wazoo!! Yesterday was horrible... I felt like a train had hit me. And today I find out that every one that knows me, knows that I fell off and had a concussion!! Like the people down at the feed store know about it. I haven't been to the feed store... I guess that's what you get for living in a small town!
Well, that's about it for trips and falls.
Peace ya'll

Thinking

When I sit down and I start to think (yes, this could get ugly) my thoughts take me directly to how it used to be. Do you have this problem? It's like the way things used to be was the bomb! Like that was it... that was your life. That was your chance. I am 22 years old... I'm just now starting to grow up! If my past was my chance than I blew it. A friend came over last night and we got to talking about the past - the alcohol, the drugs, the guys, the girls, the laughs... and I got to thinking about it - and you know the past just doesn't set well with me. When I was a teen I felt like a bird in a cage (no offense to my parents, but hey it's the truth). And I did everything in my power to get out of that cage. I DID get out of that cage and went wild in fact. "Good times" - isn't that the saying? "yeah those were good times" - after thinking it over, those were critical times. I was in critical condition along with all the people I spent my time with. I was always told choose your friends carefully and to be careful about who I hang out with. I didn't do this - and most of the time I picked out the people who liked to get into trouble. We were in the middle of a crisis and didn't even know it. I had a friend once (she was a "good for me" friend) and she looked at me, I was high, and she said "this is your crossroads. You're standing at them." I never thought anything of it - and went on my way doing my thing. It is my personal belief that we come to many crossroads in our lives and that they are all very important. My friend was right, I was at a crossroads - but I wasn't ready to make a decision... first of all I wasn't in my right mind. But I did - I made the decision to keep going down the path that kept me in the middle of a crisis. Every time I think about my past - I think "WHOA - what was I on that day" or "WHOA - was I seriously that oblivious". I had a few good friends - who saw my crisis. These were the friends that I pushed and shoved and kicked at. Occasionally I would blow off at the mouth to them - but they were good to me. They never fought back - they never fought at all actually. I think back to those times where they were merciful, and loving - and that's where I think "ah, good times" ... because even though I was high most of the time - the love was good. I enjoyed the love. It deeply saddens me now because none of those friends are around any more - oh, I see them on Sunday's and I give a smile and wave. One of these friends once said to me (OK, I was high and my arm was bleeding) "I think all you need is love" - and there are so many times that I want to go up to her and remind her of that night, of what she said. Because I want that back!! That compassion... that understanding. That's what I think of when I think of my past - of how I blew it with these people because I couldn't just accept that LOVE. I had to fight it - I fought it until I realized that I was in a crisis!! That I was in critical condition ... then I stopped fighting it but it was too late. They were gone... the very people who wanted to embrace me for two years of my screwed up life... weren't there any more when I was ready to RUN (not walk) RUN to them. I'll tell you straight up that I tripped and stumbled when I saw that they weren't there any more. I threw my hands up gripping and grabbing for some one and no one was there to hold on to. This tripped me up!! I fell flat on my face - I was once again in a crisis! And when I sit and I think about my past this is the part I always get stuck at. I can't get over this lump in my past. Recently I talked to a friend and he said "Let them go, it's going to hurt... but you have to let them go". He was very right - the past comes up in our thoughts and it hurts us sometimes. Because maybe we lost something or someone in our past... or maybe our past just sucked because of circumstances, or maybe it sucked because we personally screwed up. But we still have to let it go. In the movie Meet The Robertsons there is a saying that says "Keep moving forward" ... the kid wants to go back in the past and meet his mother and he gets so wrapped up in it he doesn't think about the future. He thinks the past will settle his hurt ... but really it's his future that heals him. "Keep moving forward." That means that no matter what happens, no matter what you have done, what ever has happened to you, who ever you lost ... you keep moving forward! You don't go backwards - you don't live in the past - keep moving forward. When I'm with my horses... I don't look backwards (unless I'm bragging to someone and then I tell them how bad the horse USED to be) I get so excited about the future for my horses and for me. You know, I'm a dreamer so you can imagine what kind of exciting thoughts run through my head when I get a good horse to work with. With my life I desire to do the same thing... keep moving forward. I would love to have those friends back to love me - I miss them. And it's something I have to work on to get over that loss - but if I can just keep moving forward. I have a few really great friends now... and will continue to have great friends because God is just good like that. I have to keep moving forward. I have to sit and think about the future... not the past. The future is exciting... and the past - it's over! Thank the good Lord. So next time you sit down and think to your self "good times" ... think future - because as we continue to grow and mature we have MORE good times than ever. Peace ya'll

time

A funny thing time is. It passes and goes on smoothly and without hesitation. We can't rewind it... all we can do is live in it and look forward to it. Time isn't what is hectic - society is what is hectic. Time doesn't fly by us - we just over book our schedules and run through time. We also waste time- time is what we have little of and we can't earn more brownie points to earn more time - but still we waste it. When we should be spending time with the ones we love, or doing what we love... we often just sit and let time pass by us as if we have a lot of it. When we run out of time we freak out because we are going to be late, or because we missed the bus, or so on. At the end of time - when time really does stop ticking - who's going to be left to freak out? My time on earth is limited but my souls time - is never going to stop ticking.
So how have I been spending my time lately? Doing the exact thing that I love - riding horses. At the moment I am a bit frustrated with the horse business because the economy has caused people to want to sell and not buy horses. I need people to want to buy horses... four of them actually. Two of them are mine, and two of them belong to clients of mine. And they all just need to sell quickly. It isn't happening - but give it time and I'm sure it will. This is a good description of how we get impatient with time. Time doesn't pass quick enough for us - trust me, even though I'm a bit impatient time passes quick enough for me. Any quicker and I'd not have time to breathe.
With my girl Hart out of working order it was time for me to find something to ride and show. My instructor happened to have just the kind of horse I need. His name... My Guy Max - we call him Max. He's a pretty little thoroughbred gelding... he stands about 16'hands - maybe a little over. He's a 2001 model. He has the sweetest disposition yet a quirky personality. He had been out of work for about four months because my instructor just didn't have time for him. So I am now in the process of slowly bringing him back to work. I rode him for the first time - and it was very exciting for me... because of a few reasons; A, he isn't an easy horse to ride B, he has some power behind him and C, he's my new toy that I get to play with. He was very fun to ride, I still have to get used to him because he does have a lot of power behind him - but after we bond a little I think we will go a long ways together. Lord willing, I'll be taking him to school with me in March 2010.
As for my girl Hart - she is sadly up for sale. She does not have any type of neurological disease we think it is just a chiropractic problem that can be solved with some work. But I cannot afford to put the work into her - so she must be sold. I'm attempting to break the bond between us but she is making it extremely difficult. I think the only way to actually break the bond is to watch her get taken away in a trailer to another home. It will break my heart!
Speaking of breaking things - I'm in the middle of breaking an Oldenburg gelding. He supposedly was broke a year ago - but I've ridden him three times and I do not consider him broke. A broke horse is a sane horse and this horse is not either! I could say a lot of things about me and this horse - but all I will say is this; pray that neither one of us kills the other!
I'm looking forward to this coming week - I get to go to church camp for a day and see two of my good friends. I wish I could stay there longer to visit but work just won't let me do that. So one day of visiting with friends - and the rest of the week riding horses. My time with my friends will be cherished even though it isn't much. One of these friends I only get to see at this time every year - and this will be the only time I get to see him until next year at this time. Although it is very sad because next year at this time I will be away at school and unable to go to church camp to visit him. That means that after this visit I have to wait two years before I get to see my friend again. Unless time ends before than and then I will see him much sooner.
Tomorrow is Sunday and as most of you know that means I go to church. Earlier I was thinking about it and I was kind of dreading having to go... this is how the devil works folks he uses things like a relationship gone wrong to detour us from what is important and right. And this relationship gone wrong I have to face every Sunday and when I think about it I dread it. So I was thinking about it today and then I came to my senses and decided that I don't go to church to see people - it's true I see a lot of people at my church, some friends, some acquaintances, one relationship gone wrong - I see them... but that's not why I go. I go because it is my time to worship God. It is my personal time, my time that I choose to give fully to God. I put my horses aside, I put the rest of my life aside and I go worship God in my church. The church is considered to be the body of christ and it is sad to see a part of the body out of working order due to a misunderstanding - but we are human and it happens. And the devil tries so hard to use our misunderstandings against us especially in the body of Christ. I refuse, in the name of Jesus, to let the devil do that to me. He's not going to steal my joy or detour me away from church on Sunday due to a relationship gone wrong. Sunday is my TIME to worship and praise God.
Well the time has come for me to go. I'm at my older sisters house using her computer and I'm sure she doesn't want me here all night long. So here's to my older sister - for her so kindly letting me use her computer. Ha - did I mention the fact that I didn't exactly ask permission I just kind of came in and sat down. But here's to her anyways!!
-PEACE

Everyday Stuff

So today has been a day of thought. Not very deep thoughts - but they were thoughts none the less.
I own a Ford diesel F250. I used to own a Chevy 3500 gasoline, dually. Now I love my diesel. That's my truck, I love it. BUT I know now why my buddies would always take their Chevy's mud boggin' and not their Ford's - because Ford builds a great truck but doesn't put positive traction in them. So when one tire starts spinnin' you're stuck!!! No, I didn't get stuck. I was just thinking how stupid it is to put so much power in a truck - but not put positive traction on it. You have to have a 4x4 in order to get anywhere!! Now, my Chevy - never had such problems or worries. I love Ford's don't get me wrong... that's my dream is to rebuild a Ford F150 4x4, 1983, short bed, straight drive. But before I do that I have a 64 1/2' Ford Mustang convertable to rebuild.
Other thoughts - horses are driving me mad. Training horses for a living is a great job and it's fun... but seven days a week, unlimited hours a day... I'm not invincible. Although sometimes I get on a horse and I tell that horse that I am indeed invincible and that I will win every single discussion. But when I'm not on a horse - I'm only human. Although I used to think that I was invincible. That nothing could touch me. I thought that until I hit 19 - then someone named Season came into my life. She was "bigger" than me... and often made me cower to a corner. She did it with all the love in the world - but the point is that I found out real quick that I'm not invincible. I have been dumped off of horses more times than I can count - but that never did it. I still thought I was invincible. It literally took someone "bigger" than me to shake me and make me cower in the corner for two years - before I figured out that I am NOT superwoman. So, now that I'm no longer superwoman, I am more of a chiller. Now, there is one problem that gets in the way of me being a chiller and it is called bipolar!! Bipolar makes me want to be invincible and take on the world. Those are the days that I get a whole lot accomplished - but at night I find myself pacing the floors wondering what I can get into next. Pumped up ready to go - at midnight in my town there is NO WHERE to go. Some days I'm in this mood that I could pick a fight... and I'm always oh so confident that I could win the fight as well. So I pace for a while until it's time to take my medicine. After about an hour of the medicine being in my system I'm back to being a chiller.
Onto grander thoughts - I love the shock factor. Whether it's good shock or bad shock - I love the expressions that people get when they are in shock. Yesterday we went out to dinner at Macado's - and we were laughing and talking and just having a good time... when I said "It's better to burp and taste it than to fart and waste it". EVERYONE at the table cracked up - but my mother was in shock that I said that out loud!! You could tell that she couldn't believe that that just came out of her daughters mouth. It was hilarious.
My family is planning a trip to Colorado for Christmas to go skiing. And we were talking about it and my father mentioned this play ground where people go four wheeling in Colorado. Apparently they have this bowl like hole in the ground where you can ride your dirt bike around the bowl on this very narrow path and you ride down - than you ride up - and you time yourself for the fun of it. Now how cool does that sound? I want to go to this place to try it, man. I'm up for the challenge. My parents weren't all for the idea of visiting this play ground when we go because first of all we'll be taking the mini van and secondly life threatening play grounds aren't on my fathers list of "fun". I wanted to tell him that I'd wear a helmet but I figured it wouldn't help my case.
Speaking of life threatening adventures - Wednesday I'm going on a trail ride with a friend of mine and I'm taking Magic. The 3 year old tennessee walker gelding that's only been broke for two weeks. Trail riding sounds so relaxing until you invite someone like me who wants to ride something that's barely broke. I'm all about adrenaline rushes and getting the blood pumping... At least Magic isn't half insane - most of the time he is very quiet and easy to get along with. But horses always change into something different when you change their surroundings. It's like Dr Jackle and Mr Hyde.
My sister is about to get a new border collie. Now for those of you who don't know - I own a border collie and she's the best dog EVER. She's extremely smart and even though she is fat she is still very cute. Now this new border collie that is coming in, supposedly, he is a therapy dog. So that means he is a working dog, he has been trained to help out people with a disability. So that automatically means that he's a "smart" dog. I'm not buying it. He may know how to help the handicapped - but my dog knows 24 commands AND is still a regular every day dog. She likes to get into the trash and drink from the toilet. This new dog I bet doesn't even know how to do those things, and that my friends, is ridiculous. A dog should be able to be a dog whenever they please and not have to be on guard all the time. I'm not worried about this dog out smarting my dog by any means... I mean my dog climbs ladders and whispers for crying out loud. The big thing that I heard this new dog can do is play hide and seek!! I'm definitely going to have to spend time with this new dog in order to teach it to be a real dog. Or I'll just leave the two dogs together and let my dog teach this new dog how to misbehave occasionally!
As for the horse that is costing me money in vet bills - currently her condition is normal!! Praise God. We are hoping it is just something that can be solved chiropractically.
Well fellow readers it has come to the point that I have run out of things to ramble about. So I'm out.
Peace ya'll

Horses or Friends

Let me start by saying that I am not in the mood to write... so this blog may not be as poetic and colorful as most of my blogs are. I was sitting here thinking about what I could blog about and a lot of things popped into my head. There's personal issues, there's God, there's disease, and then when push comes to shove there's always horses!! I still have yet to decide what I'm going to blog about... so until I decide you will be reading about my most recent events with horses.
I finally went reining. And if you don't know what that is, than it is a western event that you slide and you spin in. It's a lot of fun and the horses are so well trained that it blows my mind. The trainer there was completely cool about the fact that I didn't know what buttons to push. But I got to play around on his horse and do some slides and some spins. It was cool. I sucked at it for a minute, but towards the end of the ride I started to get into the groove.
My horse Hart is totally screwed up right now and is on stall rest. Her two left legs are both doing something strange. She's not lame... but she crosses over in the front and doesn't bend in the hind. Very odd, it happened yesterday - so that means we get a vet visit this week "yay". We may even get to have a chiropractor bill by the time it's all said and done.
Shamrock my love is learning to be a real dressage horse. She has had to learn to bend and to leg yield and to do a little shoulder in. She's learning it but she occasionally decides to do her own thing... what can I say, she's a baby!
I live in the wrong area. There are hardly any shows in this area for the whole month of July and August doesn't look much better. I have all these nice horses but no shows to take them to. It's really annoying. I need to live in Charlottesville - that's where all the shows are. Maybe I'll move there after school.
Ooo, speaking of school, my move in date is March 7th. I'm so excited. I can't wait - you think I live, breathe and talk horses now - wait until I'm in school and really am living, breathing, and talking horses!! I think horses are my obsession. Because I'm way past loving the sport. Don't get me wrong, I don't put horses before God... God comes first always. But God loves me so much that he gave me this great gift to work with horses. And He gave me a very deep love for the sport and for the animal. I think it's called being obsessed. I know some people who ride and show horses think it's crazy to sit and talk horses all day long. Me, I don't think that's crazy I think it's great that you can talk horses all day long. I don't because I am too busy riding them all day long. But if you're going to be great at it... talk it and walk it. It's my dream to become great at training horses. In order to do that I think I need to be a little bit obsessed with them. In order to become great at something you have to throw your whole self into it. In that case obsession isn't such a bad thing it's more of a motivation. Lack of motivation happens when you don't care enough about the task at hand. So naturally you are going to be more motivated to do things if you are obsessed with them. Obsession also makes your dedication stronger. Let's face it; it takes a whole lot of dedication to get on some of these horses out there. And it takes a whole lot of dedication to get back on after getting dumped, and it takes even more dedication to work through the issue that got you bucked off in the first place. Trust me, I know! These are the reasons I'm pretty sure that I'm obsessed. It's not just because I live, breathe and talk horses!!
Now I've finally come up with some thing to blog about. Friends. Think about your bestest friend in the world. The one you can count on every time and the one who knows all about you. Being a friend is hard work, being an acquaintance is much easier. There is no responsibility there. In fact all you have to do there is show up occasionally. Being a friend means, you might have to listen to someone, or you might have to take a day and spend with someone, or... even worse you might have to love someone. Ooo, who wants to get emotionally involved? It's terrifying because you never know when you might just lose them. Because one minute life is there and the next minute it's gone and we never know who's next. What if you are a friend and that person gets hurt emotionally, or finds out they have a disease, or is involved in a life threatening situation? Oh my gosh, now the burden is on you too. Because you were emotionally involved with that person. When they hurt, you hurt; when they cry, you cry; when they are happy, you are happy. It's tough.
It has been a rough past couple years for me. And I have found some really interesting people along my path. A really great friend or two... some friends and some "Friends" and a whole lot of acquaintances!! Let me tell you about some of the friends I've met.
I met this one lady about three years ago. And three years ago she was great. To me she was sweet and loving and gentle (and if she's reading this she knows that it's her because I used the word gentle.) I was in pretty rough condition when we met and as the years went by our relationship grew closer. Than about a year ago something changed in her. She decided that she no longer wanted to be emotionally involved with my life. This, my dear readers, tore me apart inside. But she still hugged me when I saw her and we still talked occasionally. Just recently she decided to pull the plug. I don't know why, she didn't tell me. All I heard on the other end of the phone was someone yelling "Don't call me, don't write me, I'm not your friend". After two years of love and support from this lady... and that's what I get for having a disease. This made me crawl in my bed at 3:00 in the afternoon and stay there until the next day! It makes a person wonder "Was she really a friend." I've talked to my Momma T about this situation (who's not my real momma, but that's what I call her) and she strongly said "So'n'So was NOT your dearest friend!" Because for a long time, even after she pulled the plug... I thought she was. I have another friend... she has known me since I was 13 - so 9 years now. She used to be my "show mom" - when I went to shows and she was there , she was the one who kept tabs on me. And you know, she, to this day, still does keep tabs on me. But recently something happened that made my faith in her shallow. When we talk or when we are at a show together she is all for me. She's very supportive of what I do, in my personal life and in my horse world. But I was talking to someone the other day and my friends name slipped. Apparently my friend, my "show mom" has been talking about me else where. It made me wonder what my "show mom" really thinks of me. And what she says about me when I'm not around. I hate to doubt her and I hate to be a skeptic - because she has been there this whole time. But people are human - and humans are crude and rude sometimes. And they don't need a reason to be such. I have a pastor who I consider to be my real friend - has known me since I was born. And I have to say he is the most honest friend that I have. He isn't around at all... and I see him once a year. I talk to him maybe twice a year on the phone and sometimes I get an email from him. But I know with out a doubt - that if all my other friends or acquaintances left me... I'd still have him. Because no matter how much I've done wrong, and how bad I've been - he's always loved me just the same. He's never looked down at me, or been harsh with me. He's been like a father to me... he's one I can count on, no matter what. Then there is Momma T - and what can I say about her, except that she accepts me for who I am. She knows that I've lied to her, that I've hated her, and we have had our share of "fights" and disagreements. But she moved me into her house when I had no where else to go and when I was messed up on drugs. Now THAT is a friend who gets involved. You think having to listen to your friend for an hour on the phone is bad... try moving them into your house! I betrayed Momma T , while in her house - let me explain. I met another "friend", Momma T actually introduced us... and this other "friend" was all about me. Me and Momma T didn't see eye to eye on the fact that I went to this other "friend" about issues more than I did Momma T. I saw nothing wrong with it at the time. But I ended up moving out of Momma's house into a girls home and it was all over this so called "friend". Two months later I realized that this "friend" ... was just a fake. I was no more important to her than the dirt on the ground. But Momma T - she was there afterwards and still is. We still have our spats - but...
I have these four other friends that I call "the gosples" because no matter what they always preach to me about God some how. But I can't really say much about them because they kind of faded away. You know, God puts some people in your life for just a minute and others an eternity. These four friends I'm looking forward to spending eternity with - but for now... I consider them faded friends.
As for my bestest friend. Get this, I've only known her 10 months. We will call her DL - And she's the greatest - because I can talk about anything with her. She's supportive... and she's very caring. She started out as my boss, and we talked a little there, but then I got fired. Funny story huh? Now she's the one that I tell everything to, she tries to understand me... and she cares about what happens to me. And not in a way that is over doing it - she keeps her distance. Or seems to anyways. I respect that. She talks with me when I need it... and just being there for me is greatest thing she can do for me. And she does it... several times a week. I love her dearly. You may not understand how she can be my dearest friend after such a short period of time or why she is my dearest friend. That I can't explain. But trust me... she's a true friend. I know it. I trust her. She's the one I go to ... whether things are good or bad... she is for me.
These are the people who have influenced my life. And some of them have traumitized me. Currently I'm in the "No more new friends" mode because of some hurt. I have God and my horses and DL! That's all I need.
You know, I have all these people that call me friend and that call themselves my friends - but my point of this blog is... that friends aren't just a name. They are an action. It takes a lot of love... all of the people that I have mentioned... have loved me. Even the ones who have left me and stabbed me in the back - they loved me... once upon a time. It's not that they were never my friends, at one point they were - at least, that's what I am choosing to believe. The people who call themselves my "friend" and aren't - that's their problem. The people who have pulled the plug on me - that's their problem... not mine. I hate that it went south... but I can't do anything about it, because they won't let me. People who are my friends... distant or near... I am a friend to. If they let me be a friend to them but they have to let me be a friend. I try my hardest to be a good friend - but sometimes I fail. I'll be the first to admit, I have flaws - but I try. To all of those who think I need to do more - please understand I try to keep my distance for good reasons. Too many close friends can be suffocating. And I've had too many people leave me... call it my abandonment issue.
Funny how at the beginning of this blog I said I wasn't in the mood to write - yet this blog has become extremely LONG!! Woops, my bad.
Peace Ya'll
PS Russell - I didn't mention you because our relationship is complicated. You know what I mean by that.

It's about God

Hello all...
I have had a long week and a half. Going back to my church, riding new horses, learning new things... I'm pretty tired. But I want to share something with all of you.
After my friend's viewing I have had a lot of thoughts running full speed through my head. See, I know what it's like to be suicidal and I know what it's like to have large amounts of anger. The only thing I don't know is how it feels once you put them both together and pull the trigger. It is my christian belief, and I go by what the bible says, that suicides don't go to heaven. Honestly, knowing where they go is one of the reasons I'm not dead on this day. Hell is separation from God and God is all the joy and all the peace we get out of life. To be apart from that is plain miserable. Hell is flames of the hottest kind, you have no friends in hell... it's a very lonely place. Torment and pain is all you get in hell. No one goes there to party. You can see heaven from hell, I'd imagine that seeing heaven from hells perspective is the greatest torture, knowing that you could have had peace, and joy if only you had made the right decisions and choices. Instead you chose poorly and now you are in hell for eternity. I've always wondered what judgment day is like, when you face God ... what kind of thoughts run through ones mind. "Did I ask for the blood to be applied in this area" ... "oh no, I wonder if he is going to punish me for doing that" ... "Did I live up to His standards". You are standing before you're creator and He is about to decide your fate. Heaven or hell. You know in your heart what kind of life you lived... and you know whether or not you're guilty. If you are a christian than you have already confessed your sins and have had them covered by the blood of Christ... so when God looks at you He sees a good life - I'm pretty sure those people are so excited to see God face to face. But if you aren't a christian and you have never received Christ as Lord and Savior, and you have never confessed your sins, or have had the blood applied... God looks at you and sees that you never lived for Him. See, you can live life and be a good person... but without the blood of Christ and without giving your life to God, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven. Christian's that have committed suicide get judged too ... suicide is murder ... and God said "thou shalt not murder". The blood was applied but you made a bad choice... you didn't follow God's calling. You pulled the trigger instead. My heart aches for the every one who has committed suicide thinking that they are going to a better place. That Christian that lead the good life, the Godly life... but got on edge and couldn't take it anymore. So they took their lives back from God's hands and said "No more". Juda's was one of Jesus' disciples - he betrayed Jesus and he went and hanged himself. He took his life back from God... then he couldn't handle it anymore, so he hanged himself. If people would just understand that all they have to do, is give their lives to God DAILY. Not once, or twice in a life time... but every day - give themselves to God. There is this peace and this joy that you get... that God gives you. Yeah, bad things happen, and the devil fights. But when it's all in God's hands ... the load of life gets so much lighter. I'll be honest, it's not all peachy. There are rough times... I'm not all the time peachy!! Sometimes I'm suicidal and I have to be hospitalized for weeks at a time. But I think of all the people who are like me who don't have God... I feel sorry for them. Because without God I couldn't handle it... the hospital visits, the medicines, the psychiatrists... God gives me my strength to get through those things. He's my hope... there are people around me who don't have that hope. Some of them don't realize it... some of them do and they are desperate for something or someone to help them. For a long time I lived in the desperate zone, I would cry out help to people and some people would hear me others wouldn't. I was addicted to drugs... that was my hope. "Ah, it's been a bad day, let's just go get high". "I don't want to live today, lets get high and not deal with it". Things got really shaken up in my life and I was without true hope. I hated life, I thought life was pointless and aweful. But God pulled me out of my situation and put me in a different city with different people... and then I was really desperate because I had nothing to cling to... no drugs, no alcohol!! I learned then to cling to God... to daily give myself to Him. Than the bad day happened - and I really struggled.. I wanted to die. So I slit my wrists a couple of times. I yelled "but God, I asked you to help me and to save me... is this what you call helping me?". That was me yelling at God... and you know what I got in return for my yelling? This incredible peace about my situation. So I went and found some horse to ride... and I made it through my drug detox. To this day, it's been two years since my last drug, and I still have urges. I still have a want to go find some drugs, or go drink my blues away. I still get suicidal - and yes some days I still want to cut. But I instead I turn to God and say "OK Lord, help me fight this battle". You might not think that I know what it's like, but I do. Drugs, alcohol, people... suicide... not the answer here folks. God is. It's unfortunate for my friend and for all those that commit suicide... all they, all YOU have to do is cry out to God and accept Him. That's it. It's so simple ... it's not easy ... but it's so worth it. Because God is all about love, all about peace, all about forgiveness. I'm all about God... I pray that you will be too. Don't make the wrong choice, don't let life pass and not know true joy. Don't go into an eternity of hell... live eternally in heaven, don't die. No more suffering is possible. God is the only way to do that.

For Josh

Life begins with one small breath, a breath that starts it all
You never know what's to happen or who will come to call
We grow and learn what life's about, we meet the ones we love
Then some bad things happen and life no longer fits you like a glove
The people who once loved you turn on you so quick
Without a hint of what to do you learn to build up your bricks
But bricks can't keep the pain out that this life tends to give
There comes a time in your life that you do all you can just to live
Now your life is not thriving and you, you are a wreck
You hide behind your wall and wish for just a speck
of hope to guide you through this hell which we call life
That life that began with just a breath is now living with all this strife
You walk your path desperate and searching for someone
Someone to shine some light in, someone just like the Son
I knew a boy who needed hope, I knew him as a friend.
I never knew how he needed me cause I was blinded by my sin.
He was desperate and searching for that Light to pull him through
He pulled a trigger of a gun instead and now his time is through.
My life never shined for him, and now it never will
I have regrets and I have scars that haunt me even still
But one I'll have forever is not sharing God with Josh
No matter how hard I scrub, that memory will never wash
Memories I treasure now of wrestling on the floor
The one of him upon my horse yelling out for more
I had to leave and didn't return and he was one I wished
that I could see again, but sadly I never did.
I cannot bring my friend back, and I can't say where he is
I loved him as a brother though, and all I can say is this
Rest in peace now brother, for you surely will be missed.

The Show

Welcome back!!
So in the time that we were apart I went to an 'A' rated show. Let me tell you - it was a blast! I took little ms Diamond and she was the bomb. It was her first show ever and she handled everything like a pro. Was it because of my training or was it because she is that cool of a horse - I don't know but whatever it was ... it worked for me. We went in the Hunter Pleasure classes and she placed a couple of times. Her owner and I were so pleased. It was nice to be in with the pro's and showing against the big time horses. It was unfortunate to see some of the pro's treat their horses the way they did. Jerking on their mouths and kicking them with spurs... I Promise you that horses are the most forgiving animals ever. They let us ride them and when they make little mistakes we go off on them and they try to do what they think we want them to do. If they don't do it right we go off again - and the horse just keeps trying. There are a few horses that will buck or kick in response to our actions. Personally I think some of these trainers deserve the bucks and kicks. I'm not one of those trainers - I am good to the horses I train. But I saw a lot of those trainers at the show ... I wanted to jerk some of them off of their horses. Then again I saw a lot of horses misbehaving that needed to be disciplined. Those were the ones I wanted to ride, so bad. The people on them were mad, but it looked fun to me. One horse was being so bad that his rider almost fell off. It was entertaining to watch. Of course I was watching all of this while trying to warm up my own horse. You can tell that I'm slightly ADHD. English horses, western horses, hunter horses - they were all at this show and a lot of them were really nice. One of these days I will have a really nice show ring horse. Until then I will be content with my eventers. My friends from Shadow Ranch were there at the show. They brought a bunch of horses down to show in the sport horse divisions. Shadow Ranch was where I got my start. They were there to stay all weekend - to show in Dressage and Sport Horse. I hope they did well. When I left they had already had won one championship. It was nice talking with them and seeing their horses. My real good friend brought her horse, Danny, I told her he looked fat - but really he just looked filled out. I wish I could have stayed to watch them show more but I was ready to leave. And Diamond was ready to leave as well, she was worn out. I did however call my friend when I got home to see how she did on her first level test and apparently all went well. It was a good show... I really enjoyed it.
As for the rest of my gang - all is well. Shamrock is the next to be shown - she is really going nicely. I can't wait to see how judges like her. Bruno on the other hand is giving my sister a bit of a time. He frames up so nicely - but it's not consistant. That and he won't jump - he bulldozes the obstacles. I've tried everything and he still just plows right through it. I had to school him some the other day. He is bull headed.
My two girls are doing wonderfully - Mia is still growning and Hart is still ms personality. I can't wait to show Hart again later on this season. She's a great horse. Speaking of great horses - I heard about one while I was at the show. Blossom my old mare; apparently the Shadow Ranch gang saw her at their last show. She wasn't doing so well due to rider issues - but it was nice to hear that they are showing her. Hopefully the rider learns to work Blossom correctly so that they can be successful. And my other mare Passhahnn - she is doing well apparently with her new little girl. They will be showing rated next year so I hear. Too bad I will be at school and won't get to see it. I'm sure Passhahnn will do wonderfully - she is an awesome mare. Ha as long as you don't try to jump her.
I'm very excited it's almost the end of the month which means I get a new group of horses to work with. And that is always a good thing for me, I get bored easily. The group I have now is a great group but they are passed the hard stage. Although today Torque had some issues - not too sure why but he'll get over it.
Well - That's all for now folks - tomorrow is Sunday... and I have get cleaned up for church.
Peace Ya'll

We're Getting It

So, today I rode little Ms Diamond and she was great! I think she is catching on. We're going off of the farm tomorrow to ride. It's going to be exciting. I'll see if she performs off of the farm, as well as she does on the farm. If she does well tomorrow then the show will be a breeze. If she kills me tomorrow than we might have a problem. Do you all realize that I only have a week before this show? DL - if you've been reading along with me than you remember her - is all for it. She is all for supporting me and telling me to kick butt. Gotta love her. At least I have one brave supporter who is all for getting me killed :) I think she would prefer if I lived through it but if I don't she will at least visit my grave.
Speaking of DL - she's discouraging my idea of breeding my mare. Not because she's mean like that... but because I'm going to school in March and I'll be gone for nine months. She is afraid that I'll worry myself to death leaving a pregnant mare behind. I've got to hand it to her - she knows me pretty darn well. I want to breed my mare so bad though. I found this huge stud that's really nice and just what I would want AND the price is right ... but the timing is all off. I really want a foal - one of my friends just had a foal a few weeks ago, a little arabian foal... he's really cute. Made me want one. Of course my thoroughbred foal would be a lot bigger than the little dishy arabian - but it would give me something to work with. AS IF - I needed something to do. I'm thinking about for when I get out of school though... it would be a perfect time to have a foal!! But DL is right - I would worry about the mare and the foal while away at school. But breeding the "perfect" event horse for myself would be ideal and fun. What's the "perfect" event horse? Oh, bay, 17' hands, ideal conformation, lots of trot and a personality/temperment like my mare!
My day was a typical day at the barn. It was extremely HOT. Me and the horses were drenched in sweat. There was "Torque" the big sweetheart himself. He got a little bit of an attitude with me today. He doesn't buck, all he does is shake his head and run to the center of the arena. Which he tried to do three times!! But we worked through it.
Then there's the love of my life "Shamrock" - she's having to learn the same things Diamond is learning (except we aren't pushed for time). Walk to canter transitions... correct leads... stuff like that. She's doing alright with it - she gets mad at me and crow-hops or kicks out. As soon as her coggins gets here I'm signing her up for the next dressage show. I've been working her on circles and sometimes she gets lost and just ... goes sideways. A dressage test should be interesting. Riding her is fun... she's like this little pony and I'm not used to ponies. I'm used to big 16+hand horses... and she is probably 14'3hands. We tried going over poles yesterday - and going over the poles wasn't a big deal, going through the standards was the big deal. It was cute - she got all excited about it but wasn't excited enough to actually go through the standards. I'll have a time teaching her to actually go over something.
"Bruno" arrived early this morning. He is my kid sister's new mount for the show season. He's green and just a baby - but he is a pretty cool dude. I think the two of them will do alright - he might be a little much to handle for her for a while - but he'll settle down. I might have to ride him at his first show but after that they should be good to go. His owner wants us to teach him to event... we might just do that. I'll see what I can do. I might have to push my little sister a little but she can handle it. She's a good rider - and a good rider always needs a little push.
As you can tell - I don't have another life besides horses... I'm sure you have figured that out. But don't worry - occasionally something exciting happens and when it does, I'll blog about it. But until then you will just have to deal with my every day life. Check back tomorrow I'm sure something exciting is going to happen with Diamond. And if I'm alive I'll blog about it. :)
Peace ya'll

WOW

WOW!!! Have I mentioned lately how great God is? He is so flipping amazing that it sends chills down my spine. He has blessed and blessed and I Couldn't thank Him enough for it.
Today was entertaining... wait let's back up - this week has been entertaining. I met a guy, I'm taking this beautiful horse to a show, I am getting two new horses to train, pony rides, church... crazy stuff.
Let's start with the beautiful horse. She is my trainee "Diamond" she is a beautiful arabian saddlebred cross. I broke her and she has been in training for about a month and a half now. She's been doing wonderfully. But at some point in time this week I decided that she needed to go to an 'A' rated show. Incase you don't know... 'A' rated just means "where the pro's are". Her owner is trying to sell her and what a better way to advertise than a show where a lot of horse people are. Now, I realize that this is kind of soon to be taking a baby horse to a show. I mean after all she's only been broke a month and a half!! "Kristan are you crazy?" NO... I'm just heavily medicated :D I'm praying like mad that this little horse does the trick and catches the judges attention and that the judges love us. I'm praying that all goes well and we are successful at this show... but I also have the understanding that Diamond is a baby and it's a first for her.
Today I was riding Diamond and I realized that when I have a big show coming up... I move into training mode. Normally I do the necessaries; walk, trot, canter, circle, frame, bend, and maybe jog if the horse is western. But typically that's what I do when I train, those are the things I work on. But now that I have this big show coming up I'm doing the real stuff. The transitions, the leads, the head set, the extensions, the hand gallop... and transitions are the biggest. I worked on transitions and leads for twenty minutes on Diamond today, that's not including the other usual stuff we do. I think she got my point. Poor baby. It's rough having a real trainer on top of you.
I have two new trainee's coming in. One is a western pleasure trained quarter horse and the other is a green broke appendix. I'm looking forward to both of them. The quarter horse will be fun because he already knows all the ropes, all I have to do is sit there. And the appendix will be fun because I get to teach him to jump!! I love jumping.
Today was kind of fun... I'd say more entertaining. My Dad is a preacher and his church had a tent meeting today with dinner on the grounds. He thought that it would be appropriate to have a horse there to give pony rides to all the kids ... so I got good ol' faithful out of the field and took him to church this morning. Since we were outside, and the only chairs to sit in were metal ... I decided to get on "Ripley" and sit on him during service. I got to use my new western saddle which is very comfortable. Ripley was a good ol' boy during service, he just kind of walked around the tent... ate some, attempted to go under the tent (That was fun). The service was good as well, in case you were wondering. It was funny because my Dad preached on Balem and his donkey - It's in the book of Numbers go look it up. After the service people ate and then the time came for the pony rides. We had kids lined up - but the funny part was when the adults started lining up! Every age from 1-70 years old rode Ripley around the yard of the church today. And I think the adults were just as tickled to be on top of the horse as the kids were. I found it very amusing... just the fact that it takes so little to make people spark up. I know we rode around at least 20 people... I rode around the wee little ones and then I lead around the rest. I am now worn out and sunburned. As for Ripley - he was a little annoyed and a tad bit tired... but is now happily resting in a pasture. He's a very good , patient boy. I don't think my other horses would have done it so willingly. In fact, I know that Hart wouldn't have put up with ONE of those kids... not to mention 20 of them!! Hart who is by the way, back undersaddle. And I am loving every minute of it. This horse is amazing to ride... I can't even begin to explain it. She is refreshing and enjoyable. I think I smile the entire time I ride her.
As for me... I'm off to cure my bad case of boredum.
PEACE YA'LL

Jobs

I wish I were on talk radio sometimes so that I could say "Good Evening Everybody Out There" and have people actually hear me. Because I say it in a very fun, welcoming voice that is very up-lifting. But since we aren't on talk radio - we will just start typing about what's in my head.
Well, we might not go into detail about my head because sometimes that is scary. :)
Lately I have been dealing with my career ... training, selling, breeding horses. I love my job, if you haven't noticed. I consider myself very blessed and I'm probably one of the happiest people on the planet when it comes to work. I'm going to school to ride horses!! How great is that? Today I was listening to my sister and a friend talk about school. They are both in college, both want to be educators... and I listened to them tonight and they didn't sound excited about their career choice. The only exciting part I heard them speak of was the possibility of teaching abroad. They were talking about classes that they have to take, that they are dreading. They were talking about classes that they took that they hated. The hassle, and the time that they are putting into their education so that they can do something that they call "a burn out job". Uh... Hello? Who wants to go into something that you know is going to burn you out eventually? Go into something you love dearly - that you enjoy - I don't want to do something that I'm going to hate three years down the road. What's the point in going to college for that? Spending all that money - wasting all that time... I don't get it. This my friends, is the reason I didn't decide to become a veterinarian. My career choice is hard. It's hard to make money in my profession. Infact my trainer took on a second job recently because the horse business just wasn't making it happen. Does that scare me? Yeah - it does. To think that one day I may not be able to afford to pay bills because my job just isn't paying... that bothers me. But I've constructed a plan. See, the people I see struggling in my profession are centered on one discipline , or one part of the equine world. I want to be a part of it all. Western, saddleseat, hunter, eventing, dressage, jumper, reining - I want to do it all. I want to breed horses on the side... and the school that I'm gonig to is going to teach me to do my own farrier/blacksmith work to save me an expense. I'm not going to limit myself to one thing, because when you do that you cut your own pay check. I'm working hard to build my pay check up. I'm taking all the lessons I can, in saddleseat, western, dressage... all of it. Because I'm not going to be lacking in business - and I'm not going to "burn out". I might be put out of commission for a few days due to being hurt on the job. Haha - but I guess every job has it's pro's and con's.
Speaking of jobs - tomorrow my job is to hold horses for the vet and farrier. So for now... I'm off.
Peace ya'll

Do it

Hello My Loyal Readers - and all the newbies.

Let me tell you - stuff just keeps happening. I'm exhausted and it's not looking like I'm going to get to sleep any time soon. Tonight is hopeful - I'm excited.
So to keep you all entertained I will tell you of my successful adventures in my little horse world. Wanna see something pretty?
Beautiful isn't she? This is my current love. "Shamrock" - currently under my training and soon to be shown by yours truly. She is so good under saddle that I can not wait to see what she is going to be like in the show ring. She is wonderful in the making.
In other news - the horse business is good. Days come and go, and during your day you do things, or you don't do things. You make decisions and you make mistakes and you do what you do. And as you know, I ride horses. Some people don't understand what that means. That means that I think, that I concentrate, that I balance, that I direct, that I ask, that I tell, that I fall sometimes. So far this week I have not fallen off :) this is a good thing. I have this one horse - she's mine actually, my love "Hart" - and she has this 'but you love me anyways, right?' personality. When she does something wrong - she shoots those big brown eyes into your gut and says "woops, I sowee". Then there are other times, like today, that she misbehaves and than runs for dear life in the other direction! Whether that direction be the opposite way or be on top of you. She's running no matter what!! Today it was on top of me - no worries, I stood my ground - but as soon as she stopped running on top of me, she looked at me with those big brown eyes and said 'I love you please don't discipline me'. Ha - she's adorable. All horses have personalities but her's just sticks out more then most. I was very concerned for my girl Hart last night - because a growth showed up on her jugular. The vet is coming to check it out Thursday, I'm hoping it's just nothing, but there are many other things that it could be.
Getting a business started is a pain - advertising is a pain. Flyers to be made, business cards, references. References can be more of a pain then anything - I have plenty of people who will refer me, that's not the problem. The problem is getting these people to mention my name to other horse people. I realized today that some people just aren't into helping others out. They're in it for themselves and only themselves. It's sad really. Then I look at these people and I see their success - or lack there of... and it doesn't bother me as much. They'll get what they deserve. They're getting it now, and no, it's not fame or fortune. Sometimes what you work so hard to build up back fires on you - and you end up with too much build up and not enough of the stuff to make it work. I'm building something, but I'm doing it with the right attitude. I'm not really better than anyone - I'm just average. But I will be great one day... watch and see. With God's help and a little bit of training - I can do it.
Well, Do what you do and let me do mine. Peace

horses

I was woke up this morning by my buddy Dan - who works across the street. Some days he is my boss - but I don't go to work for him very often. But today he needed my assistance picking up a truck. So we went to Wytheville to pick up this truck - and Dan has to be one of the more entertaining people that I know. The conversation on the way to Wytheville was indeed enlightening. After we got back I went straight to the barn... and if you don't like reading about horses then you might as well stop reading.
So, if you have been reading along with me you know that I am in love with a horse that's not mine. Well, I talked to this horses owner today and I now have permission to show this mare. I'm sooooo excited. I rode her today and she was wonderful. She trotted for the first time - completely confused as to why she has to trot around ... but she did it. No bucks. She is a very sweet mare, I will show pictures soon.
I rode several horses today - one of which was a total idiot. I got on him, was in the middle of getting my stirrups and asked my sister to walk him forward. He tripped out... flew backwards. I lost my stirrups - and he was still freaking out. So I made him walk forward and he continued to freak out - I nearly lost my balance and I almost saw the ground close up. Once he finished freaking out I got my stirrups back FINALLY!! When we started walking around he started prancing and snorting and acting up. He acted up for at least 20 minutes. I swear he could have passed off as a stallion and not a gelding. The last 15 minutes of my ride on him was great... but I thought he was going to kill me the first little bit of the ride. This horse is a big guy - so it is a little overwhelming when he acts up. We won't talk about what happened when we got into the barn. That was another 15 minutes of him freaking out. I don't know which is worse , being on the ground and the horse flipping out or being on the back and the horse flipping out.
I was so proud of one of my trainees - she cantered for the first time. She didn't buck, she didn't take off - she cantered calmly and sanely.
The fun thing about my job is watching the product grow. When I first get these horses - they don't know anything. Some of them know a little bit about what to do on the ground but as far as being ridden - these horses are dumb. And I get to watch them go from dumb to educated... maybe not WELL educated - but just enough that they are well on their way to becoming something other than field ornaments. It's fun to look at the "now" and "then" and to know that I did it.
Tomorrow - I'm going to a horse show. I'm looking forward to it - although I'm not showing myself, my little sister is showing and I'm playing "coach". Her horse is a saint, but he isn't the most beautiful thing on the planet - I hope they do well despite his looks. It is up to me to put her in classes - and I've racked my brain trying to figure out which classes she would have a better chance in. I think I've made a decision on what she is going to do - now I hope that I've made the right one. It's harder to be the coach then it is to be the competitor. I live for competing horses. The need for it runs through my veins. It pumps me up.
Anyways - I need to go put diesel in the truck and air in the tires... so peace out.

dreams

I am a dreamer - like big time dreamer. One of my life long dreams is to be a famous trainer... you know, go to all the big shows and win. I'm not talking like Nationals - I'm talking like the Rolex and the World Games. Nationals would be nice too - but I don't want to limit myself. And tonight I catch myself dreaming of the day that I go to the Rolex - heck, it won't be for another several years. Here I am still trying to get my horse to do beginner novice level tests and I am thinking about the day I ride in the Rolex. And yes, all my dreams have to do with horses. I could go down a list of things I dream of becoming and dream doing with horses. It is to my harsh reality that I may never ride in the Olympics - but I'm going to come awful close. I'm determined. It's a dream of mine to have a horse farm to breed and show as many breeds as possible. I sit and I watch events like the Rolex and like World championships - and I get all excited because I know one day that it will be me. I can imagine what it is like to ride in those events. It sends chills down my spine. I can't express to you how excited I get at the thought of riding in some big show ring. I love showing first of all. But man, to show in a big time show and to do well. In any event - reining, cross country, dressage, saddleseat etc.  I love going to local shows and knowing people and people knowing me. When I get to the big times it's going to be a blast to know people and for them to know me - they'll know me when my name is called - and they will understand why I win.  More importantly they will know my product... the horses that I train. They will know how good they are. I dream of becoming as good as the best. And having some of the best horses - that's what I dream of. 

there's this horse

Hello my fellow readers,
I have nothing great to say today - and nothing exciting really happened. No deep thoughts ran through my head and no one made me so mad that I need to vent. All that happened today is that it rained. Pardon the pun but it put a real damper on my day. It's rather hard to school horses in the rain - the horses get mad and then you get frustrated and it all ends up in a big wet mess.
I am in love. With a horse, of course. This horse isn't some multi-million dollar horse, it doesn't have the awe impressive bloodline. She has OK conformation - but overall she is this beautiful mare. I didn't say she was all that - but man the way she moves and the way she holds herself. I have one problem with her and that is - she's not mine. I'm just training her for a client. I'm not sure what the client wants to use her for - or if she will use her for anything. And it really gets to me. I see this mare and I see a great dressage prospect... maybe even an event prospect. This is my problem - the last horse I trained for this lady I wanted to turn into a hunter. He has gone on to be a western mount, I think he is working cattle and trail riding. To me it's sad. I guess the owners of these horses don't find it sad - they just think it's great that the horse is able to be ridden. And the owners use them for their pleasure, not always for what the horse is made for. I look at a horse and I see what they are made to be - some people look at a horse and they picture what they want them to be. It's hard as a trainer to train a horse the way the owner wants, knowing that the horse isn't made to be that. Then there are some people who do one discipline and think that all horses can do that discipline. That drives me nuts too. I'm sorry but not every horse is made to do western and in the same way not every horse is made to do cross country. This little horse I'm training, is going to leave my training in a month - and that will be it. I won't get to see her perform at her highest level - at what she could be best at. I'm in love with this little mare and I want to be the one to show her.
Don't get me wrong I am completely happy with what I have. My great horse, Hart - is wonderful and everything I could have ever asked for. And then there's Mia who is just as great... just not fully grown into yet. And besides why do I want the responsibility of another horse when I'm trying to go to school ? I can only have one horse while at school. But still, I have fallen in love. It's driving me crazy.
Well, my dog is snoring that means that it's time to head to bed, or at least in that general direction.
So til then, Peace

Exciting

The most frustrating thing about my job is that not everyone understands it. Some people look at what I do and say "You're nuts" ... some people think it's cool, others think it's amazing and some don't think anything of it. I love my job and thus I love to talk about my job and the horses that I train. This my friends, is a very hard thing to do. Some days I get so excited about some thing one of my horses did - and I'll tell someone and they will be like "ok" ... AH!!! It drives me nuts... they don't understand why I'm so excited. A horse is a horse to them and horses do what horses do ... big deal? No, really - to me it is a big deal. I don't have a lot of people to talk horses with, I have a few but not very many. So I try to talk horses with non-horse people and it doesn't go over so well. They don't share my enthusiasm when it comes to horses. The only time I can get a spark out of people is when I fall off. "it's all fun and games until some one gets hurt... then it's a blast" Why though? Why can't it be a blast without me hitting the ground? I think it is a blast. Today is an excellent example - I came home so excited about this new horse that I have in training. The horses name is Shamrock and she is absolutely beautiful. I can see this horse going far and I'm excited about the prospect of it. Needless to say when I tried to express this to my family - the response was dull. Here I am about to explode with excitement and they are more concerned about my little sister falling off. OK, so maybe the fall off was more exciting but she didn't get hurt so really it wasn't that big of a deal. When I get married it will have to be to someone who shares my excitement in horses. I can't wait to go to school where everyone is all about horses. I will not be excited alone. It will be me and 70 other girls being excited about horses. And that my friends, is how it should be. I love the sport, I love the animal - and it excites me to be involved with it. It excites me to be able to teach a horse to be ridden and to do things. When you start out with a horse who only knows how to be a horse and you turn it into an animal that you can ride and jump - that's exciting. You start out with nothing and you end up with something - the end result to you may be 'just another horse' but to me it's like WOW!!!! It's great... it's a wonderful feeling... it's exciting. I know, I know - you probably don't get excited when you see a horse jump a 5'ft jump... but I do!! You probably don't get excited when you hear the sounds of hooves... but I do. My sport.. my job - is exciting to me. I know you probably don't understand how the heck a horse being ridden around the ring is exciting... but trust me it is. Now I didn't say that it's impressive because I've seen horses being ridden around that aren't impressive or anywhere near it. But what I'm saying is a horse undersaddle with it's rider - working as a team together - in rhythm with each other... THAT is exciting. Going to a show to show off your horse is exciting... going out to the barn on an everyday basis ... that is exciting. Being with your horse, riding off into the sunset - that is exciting. Getting bucked off every now and then - that is exciting. From chasing the fox, to running the Kentucky Derby, to going on a trail ride, to riding the Rolex, to loping around a show ring - it's exciting. Horses are exciting. Being with them... You just don't understand - because to you "a horse is a horse". To some of you horses are smelly, or maybe they are intimidating, or maybe they are just nice to look at, or maybe they are just horses and not anything to you - but to me ... they are exciting. From the saddlebreds, to quarter horses and everything in between... they're exciting. Never a dull moment. Ask any equestrian.