Thinking

When I sit down and I start to think (yes, this could get ugly) my thoughts take me directly to how it used to be. Do you have this problem? It's like the way things used to be was the bomb! Like that was it... that was your life. That was your chance. I am 22 years old... I'm just now starting to grow up! If my past was my chance than I blew it. A friend came over last night and we got to talking about the past - the alcohol, the drugs, the guys, the girls, the laughs... and I got to thinking about it - and you know the past just doesn't set well with me. When I was a teen I felt like a bird in a cage (no offense to my parents, but hey it's the truth). And I did everything in my power to get out of that cage. I DID get out of that cage and went wild in fact. "Good times" - isn't that the saying? "yeah those were good times" - after thinking it over, those were critical times. I was in critical condition along with all the people I spent my time with. I was always told choose your friends carefully and to be careful about who I hang out with. I didn't do this - and most of the time I picked out the people who liked to get into trouble. We were in the middle of a crisis and didn't even know it. I had a friend once (she was a "good for me" friend) and she looked at me, I was high, and she said "this is your crossroads. You're standing at them." I never thought anything of it - and went on my way doing my thing. It is my personal belief that we come to many crossroads in our lives and that they are all very important. My friend was right, I was at a crossroads - but I wasn't ready to make a decision... first of all I wasn't in my right mind. But I did - I made the decision to keep going down the path that kept me in the middle of a crisis. Every time I think about my past - I think "WHOA - what was I on that day" or "WHOA - was I seriously that oblivious". I had a few good friends - who saw my crisis. These were the friends that I pushed and shoved and kicked at. Occasionally I would blow off at the mouth to them - but they were good to me. They never fought back - they never fought at all actually. I think back to those times where they were merciful, and loving - and that's where I think "ah, good times" ... because even though I was high most of the time - the love was good. I enjoyed the love. It deeply saddens me now because none of those friends are around any more - oh, I see them on Sunday's and I give a smile and wave. One of these friends once said to me (OK, I was high and my arm was bleeding) "I think all you need is love" - and there are so many times that I want to go up to her and remind her of that night, of what she said. Because I want that back!! That compassion... that understanding. That's what I think of when I think of my past - of how I blew it with these people because I couldn't just accept that LOVE. I had to fight it - I fought it until I realized that I was in a crisis!! That I was in critical condition ... then I stopped fighting it but it was too late. They were gone... the very people who wanted to embrace me for two years of my screwed up life... weren't there any more when I was ready to RUN (not walk) RUN to them. I'll tell you straight up that I tripped and stumbled when I saw that they weren't there any more. I threw my hands up gripping and grabbing for some one and no one was there to hold on to. This tripped me up!! I fell flat on my face - I was once again in a crisis! And when I sit and I think about my past this is the part I always get stuck at. I can't get over this lump in my past. Recently I talked to a friend and he said "Let them go, it's going to hurt... but you have to let them go". He was very right - the past comes up in our thoughts and it hurts us sometimes. Because maybe we lost something or someone in our past... or maybe our past just sucked because of circumstances, or maybe it sucked because we personally screwed up. But we still have to let it go. In the movie Meet The Robertsons there is a saying that says "Keep moving forward" ... the kid wants to go back in the past and meet his mother and he gets so wrapped up in it he doesn't think about the future. He thinks the past will settle his hurt ... but really it's his future that heals him. "Keep moving forward." That means that no matter what happens, no matter what you have done, what ever has happened to you, who ever you lost ... you keep moving forward! You don't go backwards - you don't live in the past - keep moving forward. When I'm with my horses... I don't look backwards (unless I'm bragging to someone and then I tell them how bad the horse USED to be) I get so excited about the future for my horses and for me. You know, I'm a dreamer so you can imagine what kind of exciting thoughts run through my head when I get a good horse to work with. With my life I desire to do the same thing... keep moving forward. I would love to have those friends back to love me - I miss them. And it's something I have to work on to get over that loss - but if I can just keep moving forward. I have a few really great friends now... and will continue to have great friends because God is just good like that. I have to keep moving forward. I have to sit and think about the future... not the past. The future is exciting... and the past - it's over! Thank the good Lord. So next time you sit down and think to your self "good times" ... think future - because as we continue to grow and mature we have MORE good times than ever. Peace ya'll

time

A funny thing time is. It passes and goes on smoothly and without hesitation. We can't rewind it... all we can do is live in it and look forward to it. Time isn't what is hectic - society is what is hectic. Time doesn't fly by us - we just over book our schedules and run through time. We also waste time- time is what we have little of and we can't earn more brownie points to earn more time - but still we waste it. When we should be spending time with the ones we love, or doing what we love... we often just sit and let time pass by us as if we have a lot of it. When we run out of time we freak out because we are going to be late, or because we missed the bus, or so on. At the end of time - when time really does stop ticking - who's going to be left to freak out? My time on earth is limited but my souls time - is never going to stop ticking.
So how have I been spending my time lately? Doing the exact thing that I love - riding horses. At the moment I am a bit frustrated with the horse business because the economy has caused people to want to sell and not buy horses. I need people to want to buy horses... four of them actually. Two of them are mine, and two of them belong to clients of mine. And they all just need to sell quickly. It isn't happening - but give it time and I'm sure it will. This is a good description of how we get impatient with time. Time doesn't pass quick enough for us - trust me, even though I'm a bit impatient time passes quick enough for me. Any quicker and I'd not have time to breathe.
With my girl Hart out of working order it was time for me to find something to ride and show. My instructor happened to have just the kind of horse I need. His name... My Guy Max - we call him Max. He's a pretty little thoroughbred gelding... he stands about 16'hands - maybe a little over. He's a 2001 model. He has the sweetest disposition yet a quirky personality. He had been out of work for about four months because my instructor just didn't have time for him. So I am now in the process of slowly bringing him back to work. I rode him for the first time - and it was very exciting for me... because of a few reasons; A, he isn't an easy horse to ride B, he has some power behind him and C, he's my new toy that I get to play with. He was very fun to ride, I still have to get used to him because he does have a lot of power behind him - but after we bond a little I think we will go a long ways together. Lord willing, I'll be taking him to school with me in March 2010.
As for my girl Hart - she is sadly up for sale. She does not have any type of neurological disease we think it is just a chiropractic problem that can be solved with some work. But I cannot afford to put the work into her - so she must be sold. I'm attempting to break the bond between us but she is making it extremely difficult. I think the only way to actually break the bond is to watch her get taken away in a trailer to another home. It will break my heart!
Speaking of breaking things - I'm in the middle of breaking an Oldenburg gelding. He supposedly was broke a year ago - but I've ridden him three times and I do not consider him broke. A broke horse is a sane horse and this horse is not either! I could say a lot of things about me and this horse - but all I will say is this; pray that neither one of us kills the other!
I'm looking forward to this coming week - I get to go to church camp for a day and see two of my good friends. I wish I could stay there longer to visit but work just won't let me do that. So one day of visiting with friends - and the rest of the week riding horses. My time with my friends will be cherished even though it isn't much. One of these friends I only get to see at this time every year - and this will be the only time I get to see him until next year at this time. Although it is very sad because next year at this time I will be away at school and unable to go to church camp to visit him. That means that after this visit I have to wait two years before I get to see my friend again. Unless time ends before than and then I will see him much sooner.
Tomorrow is Sunday and as most of you know that means I go to church. Earlier I was thinking about it and I was kind of dreading having to go... this is how the devil works folks he uses things like a relationship gone wrong to detour us from what is important and right. And this relationship gone wrong I have to face every Sunday and when I think about it I dread it. So I was thinking about it today and then I came to my senses and decided that I don't go to church to see people - it's true I see a lot of people at my church, some friends, some acquaintances, one relationship gone wrong - I see them... but that's not why I go. I go because it is my time to worship God. It is my personal time, my time that I choose to give fully to God. I put my horses aside, I put the rest of my life aside and I go worship God in my church. The church is considered to be the body of christ and it is sad to see a part of the body out of working order due to a misunderstanding - but we are human and it happens. And the devil tries so hard to use our misunderstandings against us especially in the body of Christ. I refuse, in the name of Jesus, to let the devil do that to me. He's not going to steal my joy or detour me away from church on Sunday due to a relationship gone wrong. Sunday is my TIME to worship and praise God.
Well the time has come for me to go. I'm at my older sisters house using her computer and I'm sure she doesn't want me here all night long. So here's to my older sister - for her so kindly letting me use her computer. Ha - did I mention the fact that I didn't exactly ask permission I just kind of came in and sat down. But here's to her anyways!!
-PEACE