Thinking

When I sit down and I start to think (yes, this could get ugly) my thoughts take me directly to how it used to be. Do you have this problem? It's like the way things used to be was the bomb! Like that was it... that was your life. That was your chance. I am 22 years old... I'm just now starting to grow up! If my past was my chance than I blew it. A friend came over last night and we got to talking about the past - the alcohol, the drugs, the guys, the girls, the laughs... and I got to thinking about it - and you know the past just doesn't set well with me. When I was a teen I felt like a bird in a cage (no offense to my parents, but hey it's the truth). And I did everything in my power to get out of that cage. I DID get out of that cage and went wild in fact. "Good times" - isn't that the saying? "yeah those were good times" - after thinking it over, those were critical times. I was in critical condition along with all the people I spent my time with. I was always told choose your friends carefully and to be careful about who I hang out with. I didn't do this - and most of the time I picked out the people who liked to get into trouble. We were in the middle of a crisis and didn't even know it. I had a friend once (she was a "good for me" friend) and she looked at me, I was high, and she said "this is your crossroads. You're standing at them." I never thought anything of it - and went on my way doing my thing. It is my personal belief that we come to many crossroads in our lives and that they are all very important. My friend was right, I was at a crossroads - but I wasn't ready to make a decision... first of all I wasn't in my right mind. But I did - I made the decision to keep going down the path that kept me in the middle of a crisis. Every time I think about my past - I think "WHOA - what was I on that day" or "WHOA - was I seriously that oblivious". I had a few good friends - who saw my crisis. These were the friends that I pushed and shoved and kicked at. Occasionally I would blow off at the mouth to them - but they were good to me. They never fought back - they never fought at all actually. I think back to those times where they were merciful, and loving - and that's where I think "ah, good times" ... because even though I was high most of the time - the love was good. I enjoyed the love. It deeply saddens me now because none of those friends are around any more - oh, I see them on Sunday's and I give a smile and wave. One of these friends once said to me (OK, I was high and my arm was bleeding) "I think all you need is love" - and there are so many times that I want to go up to her and remind her of that night, of what she said. Because I want that back!! That compassion... that understanding. That's what I think of when I think of my past - of how I blew it with these people because I couldn't just accept that LOVE. I had to fight it - I fought it until I realized that I was in a crisis!! That I was in critical condition ... then I stopped fighting it but it was too late. They were gone... the very people who wanted to embrace me for two years of my screwed up life... weren't there any more when I was ready to RUN (not walk) RUN to them. I'll tell you straight up that I tripped and stumbled when I saw that they weren't there any more. I threw my hands up gripping and grabbing for some one and no one was there to hold on to. This tripped me up!! I fell flat on my face - I was once again in a crisis! And when I sit and I think about my past this is the part I always get stuck at. I can't get over this lump in my past. Recently I talked to a friend and he said "Let them go, it's going to hurt... but you have to let them go". He was very right - the past comes up in our thoughts and it hurts us sometimes. Because maybe we lost something or someone in our past... or maybe our past just sucked because of circumstances, or maybe it sucked because we personally screwed up. But we still have to let it go. In the movie Meet The Robertsons there is a saying that says "Keep moving forward" ... the kid wants to go back in the past and meet his mother and he gets so wrapped up in it he doesn't think about the future. He thinks the past will settle his hurt ... but really it's his future that heals him. "Keep moving forward." That means that no matter what happens, no matter what you have done, what ever has happened to you, who ever you lost ... you keep moving forward! You don't go backwards - you don't live in the past - keep moving forward. When I'm with my horses... I don't look backwards (unless I'm bragging to someone and then I tell them how bad the horse USED to be) I get so excited about the future for my horses and for me. You know, I'm a dreamer so you can imagine what kind of exciting thoughts run through my head when I get a good horse to work with. With my life I desire to do the same thing... keep moving forward. I would love to have those friends back to love me - I miss them. And it's something I have to work on to get over that loss - but if I can just keep moving forward. I have a few really great friends now... and will continue to have great friends because God is just good like that. I have to keep moving forward. I have to sit and think about the future... not the past. The future is exciting... and the past - it's over! Thank the good Lord. So next time you sit down and think to your self "good times" ... think future - because as we continue to grow and mature we have MORE good times than ever. Peace ya'll