DarkTime

Here recently, I've been in a real dark place! Just mentally, spiritually, emotionally... it's been a bit of a struggle. And the person I needed most and that I hoped would be there ... turned her back on me two weeks ago and I haven't heard from her since. THAT was hard, and hurt me very deeply. I'm still not over it. I'm in the grieving process... because it was a great loss for me. So that just makes things darker right? So, as my readers you may not know a lot about me... but I'm a recovering drug addict. And recently staying clean has been a super struggle because you know, I'm in this dark place and so I automatically go back to that need of drugs. So I went to my first ever NA meeting. Where something strange happened... I started meeting new people. Now let me explain... I'm on safe guard of my feelings and my relationships right now because of what my best friend just did to me!! OK... so I'm being super protective!! I met a girl from my church first of all... and she's cool (she's probably reading this) ... and all that but... I just can't click with her because of all the people I'm afraid of ... I'm afraid of church people!! They are, to me, the worst to deal with. And I'm in a super "protect my feelings" mode!! Not saying that she is going to intentionally hurt me... but you get my point. So I was having a really bad day the other day and I needed someone to talk to... my best friend wasn't there (because she LEFT me)... and some lady from the NA meeting gave me her number, so I dialed it. We talked about what was bothering me... and all day today we talked about me. And it was great to have someone to throw thoughts at throughout the day. I felt like she understood me to a point... but there was that point that I couldn't get passed. And out of no where, I just freaked out on her... and said "You know what, I think I just want to get through this solo"... basically telling her I don't need you, please leave me alone! THEN I said "no offense intended". *sigh*... It was that stinking "protect my feelings" mode that I'm in. I had welding class tonight... and I was in my little pod thinking about it... and I came to the conclusion that I just don't have the WANT right now to make new friends. I'm scared to. I don't want to get close to my current friends and I don't want to make new friends. So I was driving around tonight in my truck after class and God came to mind. So I prayed... and I said "God I think what I want is that ultimate friend. You know the one that never leaves you... and that loves you as much as you love them!! The one that picks up the phone when you call, or the one that calls you occasionally just to check on you... You God... are my ultimate friend. I KNOW That. You'll never leave me or forsake me... you are always there to listen, you are always supportive and you always have the right things to say. You are my best friend... but I WANT you in human form!!! Why can't I find you in human form? Why didn't you put me in Jesus' time so I could have had you in human form!?! Because you knew I couldn't handle watching him die on the cross? But yet you let all my really close friends walk away... I don't understand Lord!! God give me that ultimate best friend in human form!! I NEED that right now... that hug, that "love ya"... that human contact.". BUT I had just chased off a very nice lady from NA!!!! How confusing is that? Here I was asking God for a best friend but chasing off anybody who got relatively close!! You know what one of my friends calls it? Self-destructiveness. Now, if you know anything about me... you know that the word "self-destructive" fits me to a T. I tend to get that way a lot of times. And it scares the people around me sometimes. ... ... I have friends. But I don't have that ... once in a life time friend. I thought I had that friend... but I was apparently wrong. I'll admit... I'm hard to handle some days... and some days I'm a pistol to deal with... and all the other days I'm cool!! I promise :) But God is placing new people in my life right at the time that I lost my real good friend... and I'm saying "You can't replace her God". And it's like He's saying right back "I'm trying to give you better"... And I'm just saying "You can't"!! Not because He is a limited God but because I put Him in a box and I only let Him do certain things in my life!! Don't we??? And I use the excuse "I'm scared of getting my feelings hurt"... Guys... People are going to hurt you... PERIOD!! Best friend forever or not... they're gonna hurt you. So why am I putting God in a box and saying "You can't give me better than what I had"? He can I just have to let Him... and I'm going to get hurt again! There's a song and it goes "I'll go through the valleys if you (God) want me to" that's what I'm telling God with my mouth... but all my actions are saying WHOA GOD!!!! I'm NOT going there again!! But God doesn't want me to go through this dark time solo. I'm asking for a real close friend... but I'm refusing all that come within ten feet of me. Ugh... Dark times people... this isn't all of the dark times... this is just an issue that has come up during the dark times!! I need some prayer... some support... some friends :) To all my friends that are reading... and to all my "not friends anymore" friends... I love you guys. You are all something special... Peace.

Dreams

So tonight was interesting for me. I went to a horse auction, which isn't a big deal. I was asked to ride a horse through the sale for a lady, and for a few bucks, I thought, why not? It's kind of my job if you think about it. It was fun for me though. I rode this paint horse (who had no spots and an arabian head) who hadn't been ridden in several months, and that I'd never met before in my entire life. So we get him to the sale and I just hop on, like it was no big deal! Can you believe me? I am that ... dumb!! To just hop on a horse that I don't know!! Ha, it's my job and I love it!! So this horse was cool, stubborn and sassy, but cool. I worked with him a little, walked him around the barns... and finally I decided that it would be better if I just tied him up and let people look at him. So I go tie him up... and I see someone I know. An old friend that I used to ride with at the stable that I first learned to ride at. I was excited to see a familiar face that I hadn't seen in forever. In this excitement I went over and struck up a conversation. We talked about the here and now...and how things are. This friend used to tell me what she wanted to be when she got out of school. She went to school for equine science. She wanted to have a horse farm, training western pleasure horses, showing the circuits. And when we parted ways years ago, I wasn't sure where she was going to go with her horse career. But tonight I found out and it made me stumble over myself a bit. It gave me a stronger desire to accomplish my goals. I was talking to my friend, and she was selling two of her three horses. I asked "for how much" and she said "make me an offer". She was going to take whatever for them, just to get rid of them. I continued to ask questions to figure out how her horse career had been going... because I felt like something wasn't right. Come to find she was selling the arabian because she's too small. That's a good reason, if the horse is too small, there's not much you can do with it. She was also selling a big, good sized, nice looking appaloosa gelding. When I acquired as to why she was selling him she said "I bought a trained quarter horse" . That really didn't answer my question... but with further investigation I found out that the gelding is difficult to get on... he tends to bolt when you get on. He's green broke and doesn't know much. Needs some training. I thought to myself "So why not just train him?" - then the memory came back to me that this girl was never the "just get on and hold on" type... she was more of the "ride as long as every thing goes the way I want it to". Training the bad horse was never her speciality. Then after a little more talk, the truth came out... she said "my husband has put his foot down and has told me that I can only have ONE horse". And her, being the way she is, chose the one that suits her best. The well trained western pleasure quarter horse. I suddenly had a heart ache for this girl. She used to dream of a horse farm that produced well trained western pleasure horses. And now she is settling for one quarter horse... that was trained by someone else... riding it around the farm... not going after that once upon a time dream. As I was talking to her I sensed that she had lost something... her ambition, her drive, her passion... it wasn't there tonight when I talked to her. She lost the dream!! At first I wanted to blame the husband for not letting her dream and go for it. But reality is that if her passion wasn't deep enough... than her dream meant nothing to her. It was sad to see. It got me to thinking about me and my dreams. You know, I live my dream... every time I get on a horse! Tonight, riding that horse for that lady - that's my dream. To just ride horses for people and make my living at it. Of course I want to take it to another level... of becoming good at it and well known... and showing and going to the top!! It's my passion, it's my sport, it's my love, it's my dream!!! And I'm going to school for it in March and I'm soooo pumped up about it. Because that's just another step towards my dream coming true. Tonight, having talked to my friend and watched her practically give her horses away... I saw a person who lost her dream... it showed on her face and she proved it in her talk... for me, losing my dream would be like losing my life!! It's what keeps me going. Dreams... don't let them slip away and don't let people take them away either!!