Horses are mans best friend

This blog has been deleted... due to too much honesty and too many thoughts that may make people mad. NOT that I care if you get mad or not... I just don't want to deal with your drama!!! Doesn't this suck? See if you wouldn't get mad about the truth than you wouldn't be sitting there wondering what this blog was really about!

It's been a while ...

HELLOOOOOO EVERYBODY!!! I'm back and I have so much to tell you all about. I wish that a lot of you could just walk beside me through my days... because that's the only way you are going to believe how much I have changed in the past three weeks!! So, tomorrow, I'm telling my story for the first time in church and I am super energized about this because let me tell you what the devil has done to try to shut me up. He put me in St Albans for a week, he really discouraged me throughout the very next week, and THEN he went and made me really mad tonight to the point that I was cussing under my breath!! I had to immediately pray that demon away. But, you know, that's really just giving him too much credit for my taste, let me tell you what God did in me through all of that...

Just three weeks ago, I was so depressed and suicidal that I picked up an old friend. No, it wasn't a drink or a drug (I'm still clean Praise God)... it was a razor. I had been fighting this depression for four months and it finally just got to me. So... I told my parents part of my problem... told my sponsor and they all asked "Do you need to be admitted?" - ugh... I HATE that question. Because my answer is often yes. So to St Albans mental health center we went. I was there for four days... I felt better when I got out... but my therapists and my doctor "ignited my oven" as one friend put it... so now I'm just "sitting here burning and about to explode". Which was true because I went off and took all my frustration out at NA the day I got out of the hospital. So there I was scrambling my eggs in my head and burning them to a crisp... when this thought hit me "You are out of the mental ward... back in your environment, you have people around you who don't judge you and most importantly they all seem to love you!" ....WHOA!!! That's all I had to say to that thought. Because wow, I didn't know I could get that from one group of people... maybe from one person at a time... but a whole group... WHAT? No way... so I questioned the thought... by the time the next NA meeting came up... I went from an "about to explode oven" to a VERY VERY VERY VERY grateful person. I was grateful for everyone in NA... and I told them about it. Because it's been quite a while since I have been able to be truly grateful for someone. That darn devil came back after this big event... and stole my joy about it. The voice in my head went completely out of control... telling me that I couldn't be what I wanted to be in life because of something that my medicine causes me to do. That I won't have these "friends" for long, because they will get sick of me eventually and to just be prepared. Then the side effects and withdrawals of my medicine change started getting to me. The shakes, the head aches, the dizziness, the seizures. Are you kidding me? No... I'm for real. So this all piled up on me... and I wasn't quite sure what to do. ... I was beginning to think poorly of myself. Now, it's really hard to read me, in way. You can't really tell from one day to the next what is about to come out of my mouth. I was fine on the outside and burning my eggs still on the inside. So tonight we had choir practice at my Dad's church. And even though my mood is fine, I'm still burning my eggs on the inside. So it doesn't take much to make me tick. And go figure, my brother in law was the one to make me tick. UGH ... he drove me nuts tonight. He could NOT work the sound system and kept messing up. I was so frustrated that I said, OUT LOUD, "learn to work it". I was mic'd and everything. So I know he heard me... poor guy he can't help but be dumb about some things. Then after that I just brewed in my frustration when finally I had to pray that demon away. I took a minute to look around... at the people... only a couple of the people around me knew my story... and they only knew it because they were there while it was happening. One in particular... I'm not going to mention her name, if she reads this she knows who she is. She's never cast judgement on me. NEVER... I know this because she's always loved me... unconditionally. So here we go again... ANOTHER ONE... perhaps this one doesn't understand as much as the other group of people... but I found myself being truly grateful for this person. So for the next few minutes ... I thought about it. I never came to a conclusion on my thoughts... I'm still in the middle of them. All my brother in law did was goof up the sound system... and I was getting mad at him for it. While in the same room stood a woman who had watched me goof up a lot of my life and she never got MAD .. she got frustrated!! Does that make sense? Umm. NO!

So, I know this blog was kind of fuzzy... but did you see all the change? The spiritual growth? The sudden appreciation for people God has put in my life? ... big changes.

Well, it's that time... yes I now go to bed at 9:30pm!! Sad I know... well Good night to you and God bless.

PEACE