Relationships

It's been a long time since I've blogged, or so it seems...
It has been a crazy life here recently. I bought a beautiful new Arabian horse that we call Jack. His real name is Van Helsing... but that's a mouth full so. Show season is only five weeks away. I'm super excited. I'm keeping my little Hancock filly, Keeta. And Max is still for sale... Praying he sells. Borrowing a horse for eventing, a little paint horse named Blue. I've never ridden him but I've seen him jump and he is pretty cool. Oh, this year some exciting stuff going on - 20 mile trail ride on Jack. Training is starting to pick back up - possible new job at a dairy farm! VERY excited about that... new career goal change... I'm not going to be a vet... I just want to be a farmer. So that's what I'm going to do. Pigs, goats, sheep, chickens, ducks, donkeys... :D
I wish that life were all horses... I'd be the happiest most content person EVER!! Today has proved that life is not all about horses. My life was perfect today until I left the barn!! Life is about relationships. Relationship with people, relationship with God, relationship with family. Many relationships all in one life. Fortunate for me, I don't have to deal with a boyfriend or husband or any signifcant other. I have a hard time with my relationships with people... last night - something happened that freed me up soooo much. I told someone something that had been burdening me, and I got it off my chest FINALLY!! I did something for me. The problem is - that no one in the meeting I was supposed to be in... was OK with me doing this. Today everyone I talked to that was in that meeting, made me feel like I did the wrong thing. But someone also told me that feelings aren't facts. The fact is - that I did the right thing for me. I could have sat in that meeting, and probably would have gotten something out of it... but it was my choice not to. This one choice has had a big effect on my relationships with those people in that meeting. These relationships... that I need... have become something that I want to turn off. Ha - do you know what I mean? Just flip a switch and turn it off. These relationships are a must for me to keep though. As hard as they can be... but what doesn't destroy you will make you stronger... right? BUT - you push me hard enough, you say the wrong things to me long enough, you do something that hurts me enough - and you're going to see something in me change. ... These relationships have taken a rough turn... maybe I messed up... but then again maybe I didn't. I know I'm not perfect and I know that it's hard to know me sometimes. But who isn't at times? So that change I was talking about - here's how it's going to go... my Dad tells me all the time "always be of a good report" - it's actually in the Bible that way... so no it's not an all Dad original. I've heard in my meetings to "pretend until you are". (and you all didn't think I was listening, you'd be surprised) - Now, I'll be honest, I thought about just shutting down and not talking to these people that have hurt me. But that's not Christ like... so I'm going to start being of good report. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to lie... but my little sister and I were talking today about wallowing - and I'm bad about this. I'll wake up in a mood or with a negative thought and I'll wallow in it all day long. From now on I'm not going to be my mood or my thought - I'm going to be of good report. I'll find something in my day to say something good about, and if I can't - I just won't say anything. If I have a problem, that's what I have a counselor for, isn't that what all you people that I try to talk to say? I'm only doing what you all keep telling me to do. I've figured this out - people don't care about your problems... honestly... they may very well care about you... but they can do without your problems. In order for someone to care about your issues you have to pay them! Harsh? Yes... but it's the truth. Don't get me wrong, these people that I have relationships with are good and they care. But they have just pushed me, they have hurt me, and they have really worked on my self-esteem... and I have had enough. I mess up, I make stupid mistakes... I do stupid things... I can be difficult... name one person who doesn't!! Sure I wallow sometimes... name someone who doesn't! I'm no different than anyone in these meetings... Sure I have different levels of issues... but that's no reason to treat me the way they do. Like I'm stupid, like I do everything wrong, like I am a loser, like I don't work at life!! I want every single one of them to watch me - here's where I make my move. Here's what I've learned... suicide is telling God that He doesn't know what He's doing!! Like He isn't doing a good enough job!! I'm not going to tell God that. I'm going to let God move, and work in me... there's some changes about to happen. Are you ready?
"Those of you without THIS sin, cast the first stone" - Jesus