So today has been a day of thought. Not very deep thoughts - but they were thoughts none the less.
I own a Ford diesel F250. I used to own a Chevy 3500 gasoline, dually. Now I love my diesel. That's my truck, I love it. BUT I know now why my buddies would always take their Chevy's mud boggin' and not their Ford's - because Ford builds a great truck but doesn't put positive traction in them. So when one tire starts spinnin' you're stuck!!! No, I didn't get stuck. I was just thinking how stupid it is to put so much power in a truck - but not put positive traction on it. You have to have a 4x4 in order to get anywhere!! Now, my Chevy - never had such problems or worries. I love Ford's don't get me wrong... that's my dream is to rebuild a Ford F150 4x4, 1983, short bed, straight drive. But before I do that I have a 64 1/2' Ford Mustang convertable to rebuild.
Other thoughts - horses are driving me mad. Training horses for a living is a great job and it's fun... but seven days a week, unlimited hours a day... I'm not invincible. Although sometimes I get on a horse and I tell that horse that I am indeed invincible and that I will win every single discussion. But when I'm not on a horse - I'm only human. Although I used to think that I was invincible. That nothing could touch me. I thought that until I hit 19 - then someone named Season came into my life. She was "bigger" than me... and often made me cower to a corner. She did it with all the love in the world - but the point is that I found out real quick that I'm not invincible. I have been dumped off of horses more times than I can count - but that never did it. I still thought I was invincible. It literally took someone "bigger" than me to shake me and make me cower in the corner for two years - before I figured out that I am NOT superwoman. So, now that I'm no longer superwoman, I am more of a chiller. Now, there is one problem that gets in the way of me being a chiller and it is called bipolar!! Bipolar makes me want to be invincible and take on the world. Those are the days that I get a whole lot accomplished - but at night I find myself pacing the floors wondering what I can get into next. Pumped up ready to go - at midnight in my town there is NO WHERE to go. Some days I'm in this mood that I could pick a fight... and I'm always oh so confident that I could win the fight as well. So I pace for a while until it's time to take my medicine. After about an hour of the medicine being in my system I'm back to being a chiller.
Onto grander thoughts - I love the shock factor. Whether it's good shock or bad shock - I love the expressions that people get when they are in shock. Yesterday we went out to dinner at Macado's - and we were laughing and talking and just having a good time... when I said "It's better to burp and taste it than to fart and waste it". EVERYONE at the table cracked up - but my mother was in shock that I said that out loud!! You could tell that she couldn't believe that that just came out of her daughters mouth. It was hilarious.
My family is planning a trip to Colorado for Christmas to go skiing. And we were talking about it and my father mentioned this play ground where people go four wheeling in Colorado. Apparently they have this bowl like hole in the ground where you can ride your dirt bike around the bowl on this very narrow path and you ride down - than you ride up - and you time yourself for the fun of it. Now how cool does that sound? I want to go to this place to try it, man. I'm up for the challenge. My parents weren't all for the idea of visiting this play ground when we go because first of all we'll be taking the mini van and secondly life threatening play grounds aren't on my fathers list of "fun". I wanted to tell him that I'd wear a helmet but I figured it wouldn't help my case.
Speaking of life threatening adventures - Wednesday I'm going on a trail ride with a friend of mine and I'm taking Magic. The 3 year old tennessee walker gelding that's only been broke for two weeks. Trail riding sounds so relaxing until you invite someone like me who wants to ride something that's barely broke. I'm all about adrenaline rushes and getting the blood pumping... At least Magic isn't half insane - most of the time he is very quiet and easy to get along with. But horses always change into something different when you change their surroundings. It's like Dr Jackle and Mr Hyde.
My sister is about to get a new border collie. Now for those of you who don't know - I own a border collie and she's the best dog EVER. She's extremely smart and even though she is fat she is still very cute. Now this new border collie that is coming in, supposedly, he is a therapy dog. So that means he is a working dog, he has been trained to help out people with a disability. So that automatically means that he's a "smart" dog. I'm not buying it. He may know how to help the handicapped - but my dog knows 24 commands AND is still a regular every day dog. She likes to get into the trash and drink from the toilet. This new dog I bet doesn't even know how to do those things, and that my friends, is ridiculous. A dog should be able to be a dog whenever they please and not have to be on guard all the time. I'm not worried about this dog out smarting my dog by any means... I mean my dog climbs ladders and whispers for crying out loud. The big thing that I heard this new dog can do is play hide and seek!! I'm definitely going to have to spend time with this new dog in order to teach it to be a real dog. Or I'll just leave the two dogs together and let my dog teach this new dog how to misbehave occasionally!
As for the horse that is costing me money in vet bills - currently her condition is normal!! Praise God. We are hoping it is just something that can be solved chiropractically.
Well fellow readers it has come to the point that I have run out of things to ramble about. So I'm out.
Peace ya'll
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Horses or Friends
Let me start by saying that I am not in the mood to write... so this blog may not be as poetic and colorful as most of my blogs are. I was sitting here thinking about what I could blog about and a lot of things popped into my head. There's personal issues, there's God, there's disease, and then when push comes to shove there's always horses!! I still have yet to decide what I'm going to blog about... so until I decide you will be reading about my most recent events with horses.
I finally went reining. And if you don't know what that is, than it is a western event that you slide and you spin in. It's a lot of fun and the horses are so well trained that it blows my mind. The trainer there was completely cool about the fact that I didn't know what buttons to push. But I got to play around on his horse and do some slides and some spins. It was cool. I sucked at it for a minute, but towards the end of the ride I started to get into the groove.
My horse Hart is totally screwed up right now and is on stall rest. Her two left legs are both doing something strange. She's not lame... but she crosses over in the front and doesn't bend in the hind. Very odd, it happened yesterday - so that means we get a vet visit this week "yay". We may even get to have a chiropractor bill by the time it's all said and done.
Shamrock my love is learning to be a real dressage horse. She has had to learn to bend and to leg yield and to do a little shoulder in. She's learning it but she occasionally decides to do her own thing... what can I say, she's a baby!
I live in the wrong area. There are hardly any shows in this area for the whole month of July and August doesn't look much better. I have all these nice horses but no shows to take them to. It's really annoying. I need to live in Charlottesville - that's where all the shows are. Maybe I'll move there after school.
Ooo, speaking of school, my move in date is March 7th. I'm so excited. I can't wait - you think I live, breathe and talk horses now - wait until I'm in school and really am living, breathing, and talking horses!! I think horses are my obsession. Because I'm way past loving the sport. Don't get me wrong, I don't put horses before God... God comes first always. But God loves me so much that he gave me this great gift to work with horses. And He gave me a very deep love for the sport and for the animal. I think it's called being obsessed. I know some people who ride and show horses think it's crazy to sit and talk horses all day long. Me, I don't think that's crazy I think it's great that you can talk horses all day long. I don't because I am too busy riding them all day long. But if you're going to be great at it... talk it and walk it. It's my dream to become great at training horses. In order to do that I think I need to be a little bit obsessed with them. In order to become great at something you have to throw your whole self into it. In that case obsession isn't such a bad thing it's more of a motivation. Lack of motivation happens when you don't care enough about the task at hand. So naturally you are going to be more motivated to do things if you are obsessed with them. Obsession also makes your dedication stronger. Let's face it; it takes a whole lot of dedication to get on some of these horses out there. And it takes a whole lot of dedication to get back on after getting dumped, and it takes even more dedication to work through the issue that got you bucked off in the first place. Trust me, I know! These are the reasons I'm pretty sure that I'm obsessed. It's not just because I live, breathe and talk horses!!
Now I've finally come up with some thing to blog about. Friends. Think about your bestest friend in the world. The one you can count on every time and the one who knows all about you. Being a friend is hard work, being an acquaintance is much easier. There is no responsibility there. In fact all you have to do there is show up occasionally. Being a friend means, you might have to listen to someone, or you might have to take a day and spend with someone, or... even worse you might have to love someone. Ooo, who wants to get emotionally involved? It's terrifying because you never know when you might just lose them. Because one minute life is there and the next minute it's gone and we never know who's next. What if you are a friend and that person gets hurt emotionally, or finds out they have a disease, or is involved in a life threatening situation? Oh my gosh, now the burden is on you too. Because you were emotionally involved with that person. When they hurt, you hurt; when they cry, you cry; when they are happy, you are happy. It's tough.
It has been a rough past couple years for me. And I have found some really interesting people along my path. A really great friend or two... some friends and some "Friends" and a whole lot of acquaintances!! Let me tell you about some of the friends I've met.
I met this one lady about three years ago. And three years ago she was great. To me she was sweet and loving and gentle (and if she's reading this she knows that it's her because I used the word gentle.) I was in pretty rough condition when we met and as the years went by our relationship grew closer. Than about a year ago something changed in her. She decided that she no longer wanted to be emotionally involved with my life. This, my dear readers, tore me apart inside. But she still hugged me when I saw her and we still talked occasionally. Just recently she decided to pull the plug. I don't know why, she didn't tell me. All I heard on the other end of the phone was someone yelling "Don't call me, don't write me, I'm not your friend". After two years of love and support from this lady... and that's what I get for having a disease. This made me crawl in my bed at 3:00 in the afternoon and stay there until the next day! It makes a person wonder "Was she really a friend." I've talked to my Momma T about this situation (who's not my real momma, but that's what I call her) and she strongly said "So'n'So was NOT your dearest friend!" Because for a long time, even after she pulled the plug... I thought she was. I have another friend... she has known me since I was 13 - so 9 years now. She used to be my "show mom" - when I went to shows and she was there , she was the one who kept tabs on me. And you know, she, to this day, still does keep tabs on me. But recently something happened that made my faith in her shallow. When we talk or when we are at a show together she is all for me. She's very supportive of what I do, in my personal life and in my horse world. But I was talking to someone the other day and my friends name slipped. Apparently my friend, my "show mom" has been talking about me else where. It made me wonder what my "show mom" really thinks of me. And what she says about me when I'm not around. I hate to doubt her and I hate to be a skeptic - because she has been there this whole time. But people are human - and humans are crude and rude sometimes. And they don't need a reason to be such. I have a pastor who I consider to be my real friend - has known me since I was born. And I have to say he is the most honest friend that I have. He isn't around at all... and I see him once a year. I talk to him maybe twice a year on the phone and sometimes I get an email from him. But I know with out a doubt - that if all my other friends or acquaintances left me... I'd still have him. Because no matter how much I've done wrong, and how bad I've been - he's always loved me just the same. He's never looked down at me, or been harsh with me. He's been like a father to me... he's one I can count on, no matter what. Then there is Momma T - and what can I say about her, except that she accepts me for who I am. She knows that I've lied to her, that I've hated her, and we have had our share of "fights" and disagreements. But she moved me into her house when I had no where else to go and when I was messed up on drugs. Now THAT is a friend who gets involved. You think having to listen to your friend for an hour on the phone is bad... try moving them into your house! I betrayed Momma T , while in her house - let me explain. I met another "friend", Momma T actually introduced us... and this other "friend" was all about me. Me and Momma T didn't see eye to eye on the fact that I went to this other "friend" about issues more than I did Momma T. I saw nothing wrong with it at the time. But I ended up moving out of Momma's house into a girls home and it was all over this so called "friend". Two months later I realized that this "friend" ... was just a fake. I was no more important to her than the dirt on the ground. But Momma T - she was there afterwards and still is. We still have our spats - but...
I have these four other friends that I call "the gosples" because no matter what they always preach to me about God some how. But I can't really say much about them because they kind of faded away. You know, God puts some people in your life for just a minute and others an eternity. These four friends I'm looking forward to spending eternity with - but for now... I consider them faded friends.
As for my bestest friend. Get this, I've only known her 10 months. We will call her DL - And she's the greatest - because I can talk about anything with her. She's supportive... and she's very caring. She started out as my boss, and we talked a little there, but then I got fired. Funny story huh? Now she's the one that I tell everything to, she tries to understand me... and she cares about what happens to me. And not in a way that is over doing it - she keeps her distance. Or seems to anyways. I respect that. She talks with me when I need it... and just being there for me is greatest thing she can do for me. And she does it... several times a week. I love her dearly. You may not understand how she can be my dearest friend after such a short period of time or why she is my dearest friend. That I can't explain. But trust me... she's a true friend. I know it. I trust her. She's the one I go to ... whether things are good or bad... she is for me.
These are the people who have influenced my life. And some of them have traumitized me. Currently I'm in the "No more new friends" mode because of some hurt. I have God and my horses and DL! That's all I need.
You know, I have all these people that call me friend and that call themselves my friends - but my point of this blog is... that friends aren't just a name. They are an action. It takes a lot of love... all of the people that I have mentioned... have loved me. Even the ones who have left me and stabbed me in the back - they loved me... once upon a time. It's not that they were never my friends, at one point they were - at least, that's what I am choosing to believe. The people who call themselves my "friend" and aren't - that's their problem. The people who have pulled the plug on me - that's their problem... not mine. I hate that it went south... but I can't do anything about it, because they won't let me. People who are my friends... distant or near... I am a friend to. If they let me be a friend to them but they have to let me be a friend. I try my hardest to be a good friend - but sometimes I fail. I'll be the first to admit, I have flaws - but I try. To all of those who think I need to do more - please understand I try to keep my distance for good reasons. Too many close friends can be suffocating. And I've had too many people leave me... call it my abandonment issue.
Funny how at the beginning of this blog I said I wasn't in the mood to write - yet this blog has become extremely LONG!! Woops, my bad.
Peace Ya'll
PS Russell - I didn't mention you because our relationship is complicated. You know what I mean by that.
I finally went reining. And if you don't know what that is, than it is a western event that you slide and you spin in. It's a lot of fun and the horses are so well trained that it blows my mind. The trainer there was completely cool about the fact that I didn't know what buttons to push. But I got to play around on his horse and do some slides and some spins. It was cool. I sucked at it for a minute, but towards the end of the ride I started to get into the groove.
My horse Hart is totally screwed up right now and is on stall rest. Her two left legs are both doing something strange. She's not lame... but she crosses over in the front and doesn't bend in the hind. Very odd, it happened yesterday - so that means we get a vet visit this week "yay". We may even get to have a chiropractor bill by the time it's all said and done.
Shamrock my love is learning to be a real dressage horse. She has had to learn to bend and to leg yield and to do a little shoulder in. She's learning it but she occasionally decides to do her own thing... what can I say, she's a baby!
I live in the wrong area. There are hardly any shows in this area for the whole month of July and August doesn't look much better. I have all these nice horses but no shows to take them to. It's really annoying. I need to live in Charlottesville - that's where all the shows are. Maybe I'll move there after school.
Ooo, speaking of school, my move in date is March 7th. I'm so excited. I can't wait - you think I live, breathe and talk horses now - wait until I'm in school and really am living, breathing, and talking horses!! I think horses are my obsession. Because I'm way past loving the sport. Don't get me wrong, I don't put horses before God... God comes first always. But God loves me so much that he gave me this great gift to work with horses. And He gave me a very deep love for the sport and for the animal. I think it's called being obsessed. I know some people who ride and show horses think it's crazy to sit and talk horses all day long. Me, I don't think that's crazy I think it's great that you can talk horses all day long. I don't because I am too busy riding them all day long. But if you're going to be great at it... talk it and walk it. It's my dream to become great at training horses. In order to do that I think I need to be a little bit obsessed with them. In order to become great at something you have to throw your whole self into it. In that case obsession isn't such a bad thing it's more of a motivation. Lack of motivation happens when you don't care enough about the task at hand. So naturally you are going to be more motivated to do things if you are obsessed with them. Obsession also makes your dedication stronger. Let's face it; it takes a whole lot of dedication to get on some of these horses out there. And it takes a whole lot of dedication to get back on after getting dumped, and it takes even more dedication to work through the issue that got you bucked off in the first place. Trust me, I know! These are the reasons I'm pretty sure that I'm obsessed. It's not just because I live, breathe and talk horses!!
Now I've finally come up with some thing to blog about. Friends. Think about your bestest friend in the world. The one you can count on every time and the one who knows all about you. Being a friend is hard work, being an acquaintance is much easier. There is no responsibility there. In fact all you have to do there is show up occasionally. Being a friend means, you might have to listen to someone, or you might have to take a day and spend with someone, or... even worse you might have to love someone. Ooo, who wants to get emotionally involved? It's terrifying because you never know when you might just lose them. Because one minute life is there and the next minute it's gone and we never know who's next. What if you are a friend and that person gets hurt emotionally, or finds out they have a disease, or is involved in a life threatening situation? Oh my gosh, now the burden is on you too. Because you were emotionally involved with that person. When they hurt, you hurt; when they cry, you cry; when they are happy, you are happy. It's tough.
It has been a rough past couple years for me. And I have found some really interesting people along my path. A really great friend or two... some friends and some "Friends" and a whole lot of acquaintances!! Let me tell you about some of the friends I've met.
I met this one lady about three years ago. And three years ago she was great. To me she was sweet and loving and gentle (and if she's reading this she knows that it's her because I used the word gentle.) I was in pretty rough condition when we met and as the years went by our relationship grew closer. Than about a year ago something changed in her. She decided that she no longer wanted to be emotionally involved with my life. This, my dear readers, tore me apart inside. But she still hugged me when I saw her and we still talked occasionally. Just recently she decided to pull the plug. I don't know why, she didn't tell me. All I heard on the other end of the phone was someone yelling "Don't call me, don't write me, I'm not your friend". After two years of love and support from this lady... and that's what I get for having a disease. This made me crawl in my bed at 3:00 in the afternoon and stay there until the next day! It makes a person wonder "Was she really a friend." I've talked to my Momma T about this situation (who's not my real momma, but that's what I call her) and she strongly said "So'n'So was NOT your dearest friend!" Because for a long time, even after she pulled the plug... I thought she was. I have another friend... she has known me since I was 13 - so 9 years now. She used to be my "show mom" - when I went to shows and she was there , she was the one who kept tabs on me. And you know, she, to this day, still does keep tabs on me. But recently something happened that made my faith in her shallow. When we talk or when we are at a show together she is all for me. She's very supportive of what I do, in my personal life and in my horse world. But I was talking to someone the other day and my friends name slipped. Apparently my friend, my "show mom" has been talking about me else where. It made me wonder what my "show mom" really thinks of me. And what she says about me when I'm not around. I hate to doubt her and I hate to be a skeptic - because she has been there this whole time. But people are human - and humans are crude and rude sometimes. And they don't need a reason to be such. I have a pastor who I consider to be my real friend - has known me since I was born. And I have to say he is the most honest friend that I have. He isn't around at all... and I see him once a year. I talk to him maybe twice a year on the phone and sometimes I get an email from him. But I know with out a doubt - that if all my other friends or acquaintances left me... I'd still have him. Because no matter how much I've done wrong, and how bad I've been - he's always loved me just the same. He's never looked down at me, or been harsh with me. He's been like a father to me... he's one I can count on, no matter what. Then there is Momma T - and what can I say about her, except that she accepts me for who I am. She knows that I've lied to her, that I've hated her, and we have had our share of "fights" and disagreements. But she moved me into her house when I had no where else to go and when I was messed up on drugs. Now THAT is a friend who gets involved. You think having to listen to your friend for an hour on the phone is bad... try moving them into your house! I betrayed Momma T , while in her house - let me explain. I met another "friend", Momma T actually introduced us... and this other "friend" was all about me. Me and Momma T didn't see eye to eye on the fact that I went to this other "friend" about issues more than I did Momma T. I saw nothing wrong with it at the time. But I ended up moving out of Momma's house into a girls home and it was all over this so called "friend". Two months later I realized that this "friend" ... was just a fake. I was no more important to her than the dirt on the ground. But Momma T - she was there afterwards and still is. We still have our spats - but...
I have these four other friends that I call "the gosples" because no matter what they always preach to me about God some how. But I can't really say much about them because they kind of faded away. You know, God puts some people in your life for just a minute and others an eternity. These four friends I'm looking forward to spending eternity with - but for now... I consider them faded friends.
As for my bestest friend. Get this, I've only known her 10 months. We will call her DL - And she's the greatest - because I can talk about anything with her. She's supportive... and she's very caring. She started out as my boss, and we talked a little there, but then I got fired. Funny story huh? Now she's the one that I tell everything to, she tries to understand me... and she cares about what happens to me. And not in a way that is over doing it - she keeps her distance. Or seems to anyways. I respect that. She talks with me when I need it... and just being there for me is greatest thing she can do for me. And she does it... several times a week. I love her dearly. You may not understand how she can be my dearest friend after such a short period of time or why she is my dearest friend. That I can't explain. But trust me... she's a true friend. I know it. I trust her. She's the one I go to ... whether things are good or bad... she is for me.
These are the people who have influenced my life. And some of them have traumitized me. Currently I'm in the "No more new friends" mode because of some hurt. I have God and my horses and DL! That's all I need.
You know, I have all these people that call me friend and that call themselves my friends - but my point of this blog is... that friends aren't just a name. They are an action. It takes a lot of love... all of the people that I have mentioned... have loved me. Even the ones who have left me and stabbed me in the back - they loved me... once upon a time. It's not that they were never my friends, at one point they were - at least, that's what I am choosing to believe. The people who call themselves my "friend" and aren't - that's their problem. The people who have pulled the plug on me - that's their problem... not mine. I hate that it went south... but I can't do anything about it, because they won't let me. People who are my friends... distant or near... I am a friend to. If they let me be a friend to them but they have to let me be a friend. I try my hardest to be a good friend - but sometimes I fail. I'll be the first to admit, I have flaws - but I try. To all of those who think I need to do more - please understand I try to keep my distance for good reasons. Too many close friends can be suffocating. And I've had too many people leave me... call it my abandonment issue.
Funny how at the beginning of this blog I said I wasn't in the mood to write - yet this blog has become extremely LONG!! Woops, my bad.
Peace Ya'll
PS Russell - I didn't mention you because our relationship is complicated. You know what I mean by that.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
It's about God
Hello all...
I have had a long week and a half. Going back to my church, riding new horses, learning new things... I'm pretty tired. But I want to share something with all of you.
After my friend's viewing I have had a lot of thoughts running full speed through my head. See, I know what it's like to be suicidal and I know what it's like to have large amounts of anger. The only thing I don't know is how it feels once you put them both together and pull the trigger. It is my christian belief, and I go by what the bible says, that suicides don't go to heaven. Honestly, knowing where they go is one of the reasons I'm not dead on this day. Hell is separation from God and God is all the joy and all the peace we get out of life. To be apart from that is plain miserable. Hell is flames of the hottest kind, you have no friends in hell... it's a very lonely place. Torment and pain is all you get in hell. No one goes there to party. You can see heaven from hell, I'd imagine that seeing heaven from hells perspective is the greatest torture, knowing that you could have had peace, and joy if only you had made the right decisions and choices. Instead you chose poorly and now you are in hell for eternity. I've always wondered what judgment day is like, when you face God ... what kind of thoughts run through ones mind. "Did I ask for the blood to be applied in this area" ... "oh no, I wonder if he is going to punish me for doing that" ... "Did I live up to His standards". You are standing before you're creator and He is about to decide your fate. Heaven or hell. You know in your heart what kind of life you lived... and you know whether or not you're guilty. If you are a christian than you have already confessed your sins and have had them covered by the blood of Christ... so when God looks at you He sees a good life - I'm pretty sure those people are so excited to see God face to face. But if you aren't a christian and you have never received Christ as Lord and Savior, and you have never confessed your sins, or have had the blood applied... God looks at you and sees that you never lived for Him. See, you can live life and be a good person... but without the blood of Christ and without giving your life to God, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven. Christian's that have committed suicide get judged too ... suicide is murder ... and God said "thou shalt not murder". The blood was applied but you made a bad choice... you didn't follow God's calling. You pulled the trigger instead. My heart aches for the every one who has committed suicide thinking that they are going to a better place. That Christian that lead the good life, the Godly life... but got on edge and couldn't take it anymore. So they took their lives back from God's hands and said "No more". Juda's was one of Jesus' disciples - he betrayed Jesus and he went and hanged himself. He took his life back from God... then he couldn't handle it anymore, so he hanged himself. If people would just understand that all they have to do, is give their lives to God DAILY. Not once, or twice in a life time... but every day - give themselves to God. There is this peace and this joy that you get... that God gives you. Yeah, bad things happen, and the devil fights. But when it's all in God's hands ... the load of life gets so much lighter. I'll be honest, it's not all peachy. There are rough times... I'm not all the time peachy!! Sometimes I'm suicidal and I have to be hospitalized for weeks at a time. But I think of all the people who are like me who don't have God... I feel sorry for them. Because without God I couldn't handle it... the hospital visits, the medicines, the psychiatrists... God gives me my strength to get through those things. He's my hope... there are people around me who don't have that hope. Some of them don't realize it... some of them do and they are desperate for something or someone to help them. For a long time I lived in the desperate zone, I would cry out help to people and some people would hear me others wouldn't. I was addicted to drugs... that was my hope. "Ah, it's been a bad day, let's just go get high". "I don't want to live today, lets get high and not deal with it". Things got really shaken up in my life and I was without true hope. I hated life, I thought life was pointless and aweful. But God pulled me out of my situation and put me in a different city with different people... and then I was really desperate because I had nothing to cling to... no drugs, no alcohol!! I learned then to cling to God... to daily give myself to Him. Than the bad day happened - and I really struggled.. I wanted to die. So I slit my wrists a couple of times. I yelled "but God, I asked you to help me and to save me... is this what you call helping me?". That was me yelling at God... and you know what I got in return for my yelling? This incredible peace about my situation. So I went and found some horse to ride... and I made it through my drug detox. To this day, it's been two years since my last drug, and I still have urges. I still have a want to go find some drugs, or go drink my blues away. I still get suicidal - and yes some days I still want to cut. But I instead I turn to God and say "OK Lord, help me fight this battle". You might not think that I know what it's like, but I do. Drugs, alcohol, people... suicide... not the answer here folks. God is. It's unfortunate for my friend and for all those that commit suicide... all they, all YOU have to do is cry out to God and accept Him. That's it. It's so simple ... it's not easy ... but it's so worth it. Because God is all about love, all about peace, all about forgiveness. I'm all about God... I pray that you will be too. Don't make the wrong choice, don't let life pass and not know true joy. Don't go into an eternity of hell... live eternally in heaven, don't die. No more suffering is possible. God is the only way to do that.
I have had a long week and a half. Going back to my church, riding new horses, learning new things... I'm pretty tired. But I want to share something with all of you.
After my friend's viewing I have had a lot of thoughts running full speed through my head. See, I know what it's like to be suicidal and I know what it's like to have large amounts of anger. The only thing I don't know is how it feels once you put them both together and pull the trigger. It is my christian belief, and I go by what the bible says, that suicides don't go to heaven. Honestly, knowing where they go is one of the reasons I'm not dead on this day. Hell is separation from God and God is all the joy and all the peace we get out of life. To be apart from that is plain miserable. Hell is flames of the hottest kind, you have no friends in hell... it's a very lonely place. Torment and pain is all you get in hell. No one goes there to party. You can see heaven from hell, I'd imagine that seeing heaven from hells perspective is the greatest torture, knowing that you could have had peace, and joy if only you had made the right decisions and choices. Instead you chose poorly and now you are in hell for eternity. I've always wondered what judgment day is like, when you face God ... what kind of thoughts run through ones mind. "Did I ask for the blood to be applied in this area" ... "oh no, I wonder if he is going to punish me for doing that" ... "Did I live up to His standards". You are standing before you're creator and He is about to decide your fate. Heaven or hell. You know in your heart what kind of life you lived... and you know whether or not you're guilty. If you are a christian than you have already confessed your sins and have had them covered by the blood of Christ... so when God looks at you He sees a good life - I'm pretty sure those people are so excited to see God face to face. But if you aren't a christian and you have never received Christ as Lord and Savior, and you have never confessed your sins, or have had the blood applied... God looks at you and sees that you never lived for Him. See, you can live life and be a good person... but without the blood of Christ and without giving your life to God, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven. Christian's that have committed suicide get judged too ... suicide is murder ... and God said "thou shalt not murder". The blood was applied but you made a bad choice... you didn't follow God's calling. You pulled the trigger instead. My heart aches for the every one who has committed suicide thinking that they are going to a better place. That Christian that lead the good life, the Godly life... but got on edge and couldn't take it anymore. So they took their lives back from God's hands and said "No more". Juda's was one of Jesus' disciples - he betrayed Jesus and he went and hanged himself. He took his life back from God... then he couldn't handle it anymore, so he hanged himself. If people would just understand that all they have to do, is give their lives to God DAILY. Not once, or twice in a life time... but every day - give themselves to God. There is this peace and this joy that you get... that God gives you. Yeah, bad things happen, and the devil fights. But when it's all in God's hands ... the load of life gets so much lighter. I'll be honest, it's not all peachy. There are rough times... I'm not all the time peachy!! Sometimes I'm suicidal and I have to be hospitalized for weeks at a time. But I think of all the people who are like me who don't have God... I feel sorry for them. Because without God I couldn't handle it... the hospital visits, the medicines, the psychiatrists... God gives me my strength to get through those things. He's my hope... there are people around me who don't have that hope. Some of them don't realize it... some of them do and they are desperate for something or someone to help them. For a long time I lived in the desperate zone, I would cry out help to people and some people would hear me others wouldn't. I was addicted to drugs... that was my hope. "Ah, it's been a bad day, let's just go get high". "I don't want to live today, lets get high and not deal with it". Things got really shaken up in my life and I was without true hope. I hated life, I thought life was pointless and aweful. But God pulled me out of my situation and put me in a different city with different people... and then I was really desperate because I had nothing to cling to... no drugs, no alcohol!! I learned then to cling to God... to daily give myself to Him. Than the bad day happened - and I really struggled.. I wanted to die. So I slit my wrists a couple of times. I yelled "but God, I asked you to help me and to save me... is this what you call helping me?". That was me yelling at God... and you know what I got in return for my yelling? This incredible peace about my situation. So I went and found some horse to ride... and I made it through my drug detox. To this day, it's been two years since my last drug, and I still have urges. I still have a want to go find some drugs, or go drink my blues away. I still get suicidal - and yes some days I still want to cut. But I instead I turn to God and say "OK Lord, help me fight this battle". You might not think that I know what it's like, but I do. Drugs, alcohol, people... suicide... not the answer here folks. God is. It's unfortunate for my friend and for all those that commit suicide... all they, all YOU have to do is cry out to God and accept Him. That's it. It's so simple ... it's not easy ... but it's so worth it. Because God is all about love, all about peace, all about forgiveness. I'm all about God... I pray that you will be too. Don't make the wrong choice, don't let life pass and not know true joy. Don't go into an eternity of hell... live eternally in heaven, don't die. No more suffering is possible. God is the only way to do that.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
For Josh
Life begins with one small breath, a breath that starts it all
You never know what's to happen or who will come to call
We grow and learn what life's about, we meet the ones we love
Then some bad things happen and life no longer fits you like a glove
The people who once loved you turn on you so quick
Without a hint of what to do you learn to build up your bricks
But bricks can't keep the pain out that this life tends to give
There comes a time in your life that you do all you can just to live
Now your life is not thriving and you, you are a wreck
You hide behind your wall and wish for just a speck
of hope to guide you through this hell which we call life
That life that began with just a breath is now living with all this strife
You walk your path desperate and searching for someone
Someone to shine some light in, someone just like the Son
I knew a boy who needed hope, I knew him as a friend.
I never knew how he needed me cause I was blinded by my sin.
He was desperate and searching for that Light to pull him through
He pulled a trigger of a gun instead and now his time is through.
My life never shined for him, and now it never will
I have regrets and I have scars that haunt me even still
But one I'll have forever is not sharing God with Josh
No matter how hard I scrub, that memory will never wash
Memories I treasure now of wrestling on the floor
The one of him upon my horse yelling out for more
I had to leave and didn't return and he was one I wished
that I could see again, but sadly I never did.
I cannot bring my friend back, and I can't say where he is
I loved him as a brother though, and all I can say is this
Rest in peace now brother, for you surely will be missed.
You never know what's to happen or who will come to call
We grow and learn what life's about, we meet the ones we love
Then some bad things happen and life no longer fits you like a glove
The people who once loved you turn on you so quick
Without a hint of what to do you learn to build up your bricks
But bricks can't keep the pain out that this life tends to give
There comes a time in your life that you do all you can just to live
Now your life is not thriving and you, you are a wreck
You hide behind your wall and wish for just a speck
of hope to guide you through this hell which we call life
That life that began with just a breath is now living with all this strife
You walk your path desperate and searching for someone
Someone to shine some light in, someone just like the Son
I knew a boy who needed hope, I knew him as a friend.
I never knew how he needed me cause I was blinded by my sin.
He was desperate and searching for that Light to pull him through
He pulled a trigger of a gun instead and now his time is through.
My life never shined for him, and now it never will
I have regrets and I have scars that haunt me even still
But one I'll have forever is not sharing God with Josh
No matter how hard I scrub, that memory will never wash
Memories I treasure now of wrestling on the floor
The one of him upon my horse yelling out for more
I had to leave and didn't return and he was one I wished
that I could see again, but sadly I never did.
I cannot bring my friend back, and I can't say where he is
I loved him as a brother though, and all I can say is this
Rest in peace now brother, for you surely will be missed.
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