Horses or Friends

Let me start by saying that I am not in the mood to write... so this blog may not be as poetic and colorful as most of my blogs are. I was sitting here thinking about what I could blog about and a lot of things popped into my head. There's personal issues, there's God, there's disease, and then when push comes to shove there's always horses!! I still have yet to decide what I'm going to blog about... so until I decide you will be reading about my most recent events with horses.
I finally went reining. And if you don't know what that is, than it is a western event that you slide and you spin in. It's a lot of fun and the horses are so well trained that it blows my mind. The trainer there was completely cool about the fact that I didn't know what buttons to push. But I got to play around on his horse and do some slides and some spins. It was cool. I sucked at it for a minute, but towards the end of the ride I started to get into the groove.
My horse Hart is totally screwed up right now and is on stall rest. Her two left legs are both doing something strange. She's not lame... but she crosses over in the front and doesn't bend in the hind. Very odd, it happened yesterday - so that means we get a vet visit this week "yay". We may even get to have a chiropractor bill by the time it's all said and done.
Shamrock my love is learning to be a real dressage horse. She has had to learn to bend and to leg yield and to do a little shoulder in. She's learning it but she occasionally decides to do her own thing... what can I say, she's a baby!
I live in the wrong area. There are hardly any shows in this area for the whole month of July and August doesn't look much better. I have all these nice horses but no shows to take them to. It's really annoying. I need to live in Charlottesville - that's where all the shows are. Maybe I'll move there after school.
Ooo, speaking of school, my move in date is March 7th. I'm so excited. I can't wait - you think I live, breathe and talk horses now - wait until I'm in school and really am living, breathing, and talking horses!! I think horses are my obsession. Because I'm way past loving the sport. Don't get me wrong, I don't put horses before God... God comes first always. But God loves me so much that he gave me this great gift to work with horses. And He gave me a very deep love for the sport and for the animal. I think it's called being obsessed. I know some people who ride and show horses think it's crazy to sit and talk horses all day long. Me, I don't think that's crazy I think it's great that you can talk horses all day long. I don't because I am too busy riding them all day long. But if you're going to be great at it... talk it and walk it. It's my dream to become great at training horses. In order to do that I think I need to be a little bit obsessed with them. In order to become great at something you have to throw your whole self into it. In that case obsession isn't such a bad thing it's more of a motivation. Lack of motivation happens when you don't care enough about the task at hand. So naturally you are going to be more motivated to do things if you are obsessed with them. Obsession also makes your dedication stronger. Let's face it; it takes a whole lot of dedication to get on some of these horses out there. And it takes a whole lot of dedication to get back on after getting dumped, and it takes even more dedication to work through the issue that got you bucked off in the first place. Trust me, I know! These are the reasons I'm pretty sure that I'm obsessed. It's not just because I live, breathe and talk horses!!
Now I've finally come up with some thing to blog about. Friends. Think about your bestest friend in the world. The one you can count on every time and the one who knows all about you. Being a friend is hard work, being an acquaintance is much easier. There is no responsibility there. In fact all you have to do there is show up occasionally. Being a friend means, you might have to listen to someone, or you might have to take a day and spend with someone, or... even worse you might have to love someone. Ooo, who wants to get emotionally involved? It's terrifying because you never know when you might just lose them. Because one minute life is there and the next minute it's gone and we never know who's next. What if you are a friend and that person gets hurt emotionally, or finds out they have a disease, or is involved in a life threatening situation? Oh my gosh, now the burden is on you too. Because you were emotionally involved with that person. When they hurt, you hurt; when they cry, you cry; when they are happy, you are happy. It's tough.
It has been a rough past couple years for me. And I have found some really interesting people along my path. A really great friend or two... some friends and some "Friends" and a whole lot of acquaintances!! Let me tell you about some of the friends I've met.
I met this one lady about three years ago. And three years ago she was great. To me she was sweet and loving and gentle (and if she's reading this she knows that it's her because I used the word gentle.) I was in pretty rough condition when we met and as the years went by our relationship grew closer. Than about a year ago something changed in her. She decided that she no longer wanted to be emotionally involved with my life. This, my dear readers, tore me apart inside. But she still hugged me when I saw her and we still talked occasionally. Just recently she decided to pull the plug. I don't know why, she didn't tell me. All I heard on the other end of the phone was someone yelling "Don't call me, don't write me, I'm not your friend". After two years of love and support from this lady... and that's what I get for having a disease. This made me crawl in my bed at 3:00 in the afternoon and stay there until the next day! It makes a person wonder "Was she really a friend." I've talked to my Momma T about this situation (who's not my real momma, but that's what I call her) and she strongly said "So'n'So was NOT your dearest friend!" Because for a long time, even after she pulled the plug... I thought she was. I have another friend... she has known me since I was 13 - so 9 years now. She used to be my "show mom" - when I went to shows and she was there , she was the one who kept tabs on me. And you know, she, to this day, still does keep tabs on me. But recently something happened that made my faith in her shallow. When we talk or when we are at a show together she is all for me. She's very supportive of what I do, in my personal life and in my horse world. But I was talking to someone the other day and my friends name slipped. Apparently my friend, my "show mom" has been talking about me else where. It made me wonder what my "show mom" really thinks of me. And what she says about me when I'm not around. I hate to doubt her and I hate to be a skeptic - because she has been there this whole time. But people are human - and humans are crude and rude sometimes. And they don't need a reason to be such. I have a pastor who I consider to be my real friend - has known me since I was born. And I have to say he is the most honest friend that I have. He isn't around at all... and I see him once a year. I talk to him maybe twice a year on the phone and sometimes I get an email from him. But I know with out a doubt - that if all my other friends or acquaintances left me... I'd still have him. Because no matter how much I've done wrong, and how bad I've been - he's always loved me just the same. He's never looked down at me, or been harsh with me. He's been like a father to me... he's one I can count on, no matter what. Then there is Momma T - and what can I say about her, except that she accepts me for who I am. She knows that I've lied to her, that I've hated her, and we have had our share of "fights" and disagreements. But she moved me into her house when I had no where else to go and when I was messed up on drugs. Now THAT is a friend who gets involved. You think having to listen to your friend for an hour on the phone is bad... try moving them into your house! I betrayed Momma T , while in her house - let me explain. I met another "friend", Momma T actually introduced us... and this other "friend" was all about me. Me and Momma T didn't see eye to eye on the fact that I went to this other "friend" about issues more than I did Momma T. I saw nothing wrong with it at the time. But I ended up moving out of Momma's house into a girls home and it was all over this so called "friend". Two months later I realized that this "friend" ... was just a fake. I was no more important to her than the dirt on the ground. But Momma T - she was there afterwards and still is. We still have our spats - but...
I have these four other friends that I call "the gosples" because no matter what they always preach to me about God some how. But I can't really say much about them because they kind of faded away. You know, God puts some people in your life for just a minute and others an eternity. These four friends I'm looking forward to spending eternity with - but for now... I consider them faded friends.
As for my bestest friend. Get this, I've only known her 10 months. We will call her DL - And she's the greatest - because I can talk about anything with her. She's supportive... and she's very caring. She started out as my boss, and we talked a little there, but then I got fired. Funny story huh? Now she's the one that I tell everything to, she tries to understand me... and she cares about what happens to me. And not in a way that is over doing it - she keeps her distance. Or seems to anyways. I respect that. She talks with me when I need it... and just being there for me is greatest thing she can do for me. And she does it... several times a week. I love her dearly. You may not understand how she can be my dearest friend after such a short period of time or why she is my dearest friend. That I can't explain. But trust me... she's a true friend. I know it. I trust her. She's the one I go to ... whether things are good or bad... she is for me.
These are the people who have influenced my life. And some of them have traumitized me. Currently I'm in the "No more new friends" mode because of some hurt. I have God and my horses and DL! That's all I need.
You know, I have all these people that call me friend and that call themselves my friends - but my point of this blog is... that friends aren't just a name. They are an action. It takes a lot of love... all of the people that I have mentioned... have loved me. Even the ones who have left me and stabbed me in the back - they loved me... once upon a time. It's not that they were never my friends, at one point they were - at least, that's what I am choosing to believe. The people who call themselves my "friend" and aren't - that's their problem. The people who have pulled the plug on me - that's their problem... not mine. I hate that it went south... but I can't do anything about it, because they won't let me. People who are my friends... distant or near... I am a friend to. If they let me be a friend to them but they have to let me be a friend. I try my hardest to be a good friend - but sometimes I fail. I'll be the first to admit, I have flaws - but I try. To all of those who think I need to do more - please understand I try to keep my distance for good reasons. Too many close friends can be suffocating. And I've had too many people leave me... call it my abandonment issue.
Funny how at the beginning of this blog I said I wasn't in the mood to write - yet this blog has become extremely LONG!! Woops, my bad.
Peace Ya'll
PS Russell - I didn't mention you because our relationship is complicated. You know what I mean by that.