I just got back from an amazing concert! OK - so it wasn't THAT amazing... but in a way it was. Have you ever had a time in your life where you were doing all the right things but everything was still going wrong? I was wanting to write a book earlier this week called "Doing all the right things the wrong way". Because that's how I felt!! But tonight was an eye opening night for me. See I've been struggling with my disease of addiction and with my bipolar... my meds are being changed, my sponsor is trying to get me to work the 12 steps (well not all of them at once just one of them), I decided that I'm not going to school (yeah big surprise there. What makes it even better is that a friend my mine just graduated with the degree I wanted. Why is that a problem? Because I've worked harder than she has at horses and I can prove it), I've been really depressed and needy, and to top it all off I'm in love with a guy that is headed to prison in two months!! Good job Kristan!!! This concert... was a christian concert and mainly what happened was that Va Tech got a bunch of college students together and a couple bands and praised God for two hours!! The bands were good... if I couldn't ride horses I would be a professional musician. But thank the Lord that I can ride horses! But what I got out of the whole thing was "wow God ... my focus is WAY off!!" God just moved in a way and spoke to me so loud and clear in that auditorium. He said "Kristan, It's about ME!!". The bands kept saying 'Let's make Jesus Famous' that was kind of the theme. And my thought was "Here I am and I'm so focused on .. NA and the 12 steps, and medication, and school, and horses, and etc... all I need to do is focus on God and He will work everything else out and I don't have to do all this work!!" - I kind of laughed at myself. Because it's so simple! You know, life was getting too complicated because I was trying to better myself by relying on the 12 steps to get me straightened out and by relying on meds to keep me sane. This one song tonight said "Jesus you are my sanity"... and it clicked and I was like OMG!!! That is SOOOOO true. There's even a Bible verse that says God will make you sane and that's what he wants for you. It's in 1 Timothy I think. So here I am saying to myself "doing all the right things the wrong way"... well it's TRUE!! I was... and now it's time to refocus. God is the answer. He's the answer to my depression, to my addiction, to my bipolar... He may not take those things away but He can and He will make them bareable! All I have to do is focus on Him and give Him number one priority and make Him the center of my attention!! Let me tell you, I haven't had a center to my attention for while!! It's been everywhere - and not really focused. He... is amazing. He took my sins, bared them on a rugged cross, died in my place... and here's where some people get lost but He rose again! Stared death in the face and simply said "you lose". How amazing is that? He won the war and now we can live free from the chains that bind us... if we choose to follow Him!! Now, my frustration (because you know I had to have one) - is that not everyone chooses to follow Him. Some people hear about it... know about it... even been to church a few times... and it's still not a big deal!! People... God is a BIG deal! Heaven or hell... REALLY BIG deal!! Living life God's way is so much better than living life the world's way!! Because God blesses beyond what you could imagine when we're faithful! What gets me is you bring God up to these people... and they don't want to hear it. They need to hear it... they would change their minds about God if they would listen with an open mind and an open heart! But Just like you can't force anyone to stop using drugs, you can't force anyone to believe in and have a relationship with God!! For those of you reading.. God Just wants to Love you and have a relationship with you!! That's all... He wants the best for you. His love is endless, even when we are bad... He still loves us and has compassion and the minute we ask for forgiveness he forgets about it and forgives us!! It's simply amazing and wonderful.
Now... I'll get off the pulpit... I am just simply revived because of the wonderful praise and worship I was in tonight!!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Late night
Good Morning!! Or should I say "Gosh it's early"? Here I am, awake in the middle of the night... on the night of a show!! NOT an ideal time for the sleeping meds to not work. But, at least I won't be drowsy driving the truck at 5:30am. I have a horse trials today and I'm doing everything in my power to be prepared for it. But I am still yet powerless over my disease... and thus getting rested up for the event is beyond my reach. No worries, tomorrow I'll be fine with a strong cup of coffee, a few Mt Dew's... and a good ride on my horse named Max!! The adrenaline will pump one way or the other!
You know, here recently people have been coming in and out of my life like crazy. It's really been a hectic time for me. And I've met some of the nicest most caring people... in the strangest of places. No offense to church going folk... but I haven't found these people in church. In that same statement, I wish that I could get these people in church. Because I consider them to be my friends now, and I don't want them to miss out on the best thing in life. It's interesting because I'm referring to my friends in NA... and they have a higher power and some of them even call his name to be God. They pray daily, they rely on Him daily... but it's based on how they understand him. I wish that I could show them more of the one true God that really has blessed them and pulled them through their problems... so that they could understand Him and have a relationship with Him! I think that they would be surprised at how much it would change their recovery. Church going folk are all too hard to come by these days... oh sure they're everywhere... in their houses keeping safe from the boogie man outside. Reaching out seems to be more of a work out now days than it used to be. Some don't want to put that kind of effort into it, and some are just too comfortable. I asked my church going friend where I could find a church fellowship of people my age... so that I could surround my self with better influences. She knew of a place and is currently on a mission to look it up for me.
I realize that I talk about my friends an awful lot on here... but you need to understand... my friends are often times the ones who I rely on to be there for me when I trip up or trip out! Tonight I couldn't sleep worth a darn, so I rolled out of bed and checked my mail just to find an email from an old friend who I consider very dear to me. She has stuck with me through thick and thin... and has put up with all my nonsense plus some! She's still there... she wrote me tonight and said "good luck tomorrow"... my thought was 'man I wish she were going with me'. She would be lost in the world of eventing, but having her there would make my day and I wouldn't feel so pressured! There was a day that she used to go with me to almost every show I went to. And occasionally she would leave early because I would get injured and she would be the one to take me home! When I say she's been there through thick and thin I mean every single word of it!!
Another friend for ya - Leon Armstrong. Same way... thick and thin... and sometimes worse!! He has known me since I was born... now we are like father and daughter. I wouldn't know what to do with out Leon!! He knows me best probably - whats worse is that he knows me sometimes better than I do. And he tells me what I'm going to do ... it gets frustrating at times because I don't like it, but I do eventually do what he says despite my rebelliousness. I always fuss about christians and how they are the worst to deal with when it comes to being friends with them... but then I think about Leon... he's a minister!! And I wouldn't trade my relationship with him, for anything on the planet... not even a horse!!
And how about my first ever boss? She is someone who has hung out in my life for quite some time!! She was probably the coolest boss I ever had... strict... but I some how found my way into her heart! I was just too cute, how could she resist?! :) I think she actually hired me three times... and I quit on her all three times. Unfortunatly the quits got uglier and uglier as they went... but she still loved me through it. Now she is a great friend... if I ever needed something all I'd have to do is tramp into her office and say it. She's a christian too btw... and she's not too hard to deal with!! :) I'm harder for her to deal with than she is for me to deal with!!! Imagine that if you will??
Well my peeps... I'm still wide open... and probably will be til it's time to get up. But... I think this rambling must come to an end sometime.
OH wait... let me just say ... never judge people for what they do. You never know how they might be able to help you. I'm not a big judge myself... but I still find myself surprised when the oddest people do something you wouldn't expect them to do based off of what you know of them. It's wonderful to be in a fellowship of non-judgemental people at NA. Don't get me wrong the fellowship at my church is great too... I love those people... those people just have a harder time accepting me for who I am. Because I am so out there!! In NA there are people similar to me... HA - scary isn't it? I think it's great!! Because, sometimes it feels like we are the only ones... when we aren't... we are just one of thousands! And those thousands are looking for people like me to be friends with... because we need each other!! This brings me to my favorite Beatles song of all time "All you need is love, all you need is love. All you need is love, love.... love is all you need".
You know, here recently people have been coming in and out of my life like crazy. It's really been a hectic time for me. And I've met some of the nicest most caring people... in the strangest of places. No offense to church going folk... but I haven't found these people in church. In that same statement, I wish that I could get these people in church. Because I consider them to be my friends now, and I don't want them to miss out on the best thing in life. It's interesting because I'm referring to my friends in NA... and they have a higher power and some of them even call his name to be God. They pray daily, they rely on Him daily... but it's based on how they understand him. I wish that I could show them more of the one true God that really has blessed them and pulled them through their problems... so that they could understand Him and have a relationship with Him! I think that they would be surprised at how much it would change their recovery. Church going folk are all too hard to come by these days... oh sure they're everywhere... in their houses keeping safe from the boogie man outside. Reaching out seems to be more of a work out now days than it used to be. Some don't want to put that kind of effort into it, and some are just too comfortable. I asked my church going friend where I could find a church fellowship of people my age... so that I could surround my self with better influences. She knew of a place and is currently on a mission to look it up for me.
I realize that I talk about my friends an awful lot on here... but you need to understand... my friends are often times the ones who I rely on to be there for me when I trip up or trip out! Tonight I couldn't sleep worth a darn, so I rolled out of bed and checked my mail just to find an email from an old friend who I consider very dear to me. She has stuck with me through thick and thin... and has put up with all my nonsense plus some! She's still there... she wrote me tonight and said "good luck tomorrow"... my thought was 'man I wish she were going with me'. She would be lost in the world of eventing, but having her there would make my day and I wouldn't feel so pressured! There was a day that she used to go with me to almost every show I went to. And occasionally she would leave early because I would get injured and she would be the one to take me home! When I say she's been there through thick and thin I mean every single word of it!!
Another friend for ya - Leon Armstrong. Same way... thick and thin... and sometimes worse!! He has known me since I was born... now we are like father and daughter. I wouldn't know what to do with out Leon!! He knows me best probably - whats worse is that he knows me sometimes better than I do. And he tells me what I'm going to do ... it gets frustrating at times because I don't like it, but I do eventually do what he says despite my rebelliousness. I always fuss about christians and how they are the worst to deal with when it comes to being friends with them... but then I think about Leon... he's a minister!! And I wouldn't trade my relationship with him, for anything on the planet... not even a horse!!
And how about my first ever boss? She is someone who has hung out in my life for quite some time!! She was probably the coolest boss I ever had... strict... but I some how found my way into her heart! I was just too cute, how could she resist?! :) I think she actually hired me three times... and I quit on her all three times. Unfortunatly the quits got uglier and uglier as they went... but she still loved me through it. Now she is a great friend... if I ever needed something all I'd have to do is tramp into her office and say it. She's a christian too btw... and she's not too hard to deal with!! :) I'm harder for her to deal with than she is for me to deal with!!! Imagine that if you will??
Well my peeps... I'm still wide open... and probably will be til it's time to get up. But... I think this rambling must come to an end sometime.
OH wait... let me just say ... never judge people for what they do. You never know how they might be able to help you. I'm not a big judge myself... but I still find myself surprised when the oddest people do something you wouldn't expect them to do based off of what you know of them. It's wonderful to be in a fellowship of non-judgemental people at NA. Don't get me wrong the fellowship at my church is great too... I love those people... those people just have a harder time accepting me for who I am. Because I am so out there!! In NA there are people similar to me... HA - scary isn't it? I think it's great!! Because, sometimes it feels like we are the only ones... when we aren't... we are just one of thousands! And those thousands are looking for people like me to be friends with... because we need each other!! This brings me to my favorite Beatles song of all time "All you need is love, all you need is love. All you need is love, love.... love is all you need".
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