DarkTime

Here recently, I've been in a real dark place! Just mentally, spiritually, emotionally... it's been a bit of a struggle. And the person I needed most and that I hoped would be there ... turned her back on me two weeks ago and I haven't heard from her since. THAT was hard, and hurt me very deeply. I'm still not over it. I'm in the grieving process... because it was a great loss for me. So that just makes things darker right? So, as my readers you may not know a lot about me... but I'm a recovering drug addict. And recently staying clean has been a super struggle because you know, I'm in this dark place and so I automatically go back to that need of drugs. So I went to my first ever NA meeting. Where something strange happened... I started meeting new people. Now let me explain... I'm on safe guard of my feelings and my relationships right now because of what my best friend just did to me!! OK... so I'm being super protective!! I met a girl from my church first of all... and she's cool (she's probably reading this) ... and all that but... I just can't click with her because of all the people I'm afraid of ... I'm afraid of church people!! They are, to me, the worst to deal with. And I'm in a super "protect my feelings" mode!! Not saying that she is going to intentionally hurt me... but you get my point. So I was having a really bad day the other day and I needed someone to talk to... my best friend wasn't there (because she LEFT me)... and some lady from the NA meeting gave me her number, so I dialed it. We talked about what was bothering me... and all day today we talked about me. And it was great to have someone to throw thoughts at throughout the day. I felt like she understood me to a point... but there was that point that I couldn't get passed. And out of no where, I just freaked out on her... and said "You know what, I think I just want to get through this solo"... basically telling her I don't need you, please leave me alone! THEN I said "no offense intended". *sigh*... It was that stinking "protect my feelings" mode that I'm in. I had welding class tonight... and I was in my little pod thinking about it... and I came to the conclusion that I just don't have the WANT right now to make new friends. I'm scared to. I don't want to get close to my current friends and I don't want to make new friends. So I was driving around tonight in my truck after class and God came to mind. So I prayed... and I said "God I think what I want is that ultimate friend. You know the one that never leaves you... and that loves you as much as you love them!! The one that picks up the phone when you call, or the one that calls you occasionally just to check on you... You God... are my ultimate friend. I KNOW That. You'll never leave me or forsake me... you are always there to listen, you are always supportive and you always have the right things to say. You are my best friend... but I WANT you in human form!!! Why can't I find you in human form? Why didn't you put me in Jesus' time so I could have had you in human form!?! Because you knew I couldn't handle watching him die on the cross? But yet you let all my really close friends walk away... I don't understand Lord!! God give me that ultimate best friend in human form!! I NEED that right now... that hug, that "love ya"... that human contact.". BUT I had just chased off a very nice lady from NA!!!! How confusing is that? Here I was asking God for a best friend but chasing off anybody who got relatively close!! You know what one of my friends calls it? Self-destructiveness. Now, if you know anything about me... you know that the word "self-destructive" fits me to a T. I tend to get that way a lot of times. And it scares the people around me sometimes. ... ... I have friends. But I don't have that ... once in a life time friend. I thought I had that friend... but I was apparently wrong. I'll admit... I'm hard to handle some days... and some days I'm a pistol to deal with... and all the other days I'm cool!! I promise :) But God is placing new people in my life right at the time that I lost my real good friend... and I'm saying "You can't replace her God". And it's like He's saying right back "I'm trying to give you better"... And I'm just saying "You can't"!! Not because He is a limited God but because I put Him in a box and I only let Him do certain things in my life!! Don't we??? And I use the excuse "I'm scared of getting my feelings hurt"... Guys... People are going to hurt you... PERIOD!! Best friend forever or not... they're gonna hurt you. So why am I putting God in a box and saying "You can't give me better than what I had"? He can I just have to let Him... and I'm going to get hurt again! There's a song and it goes "I'll go through the valleys if you (God) want me to" that's what I'm telling God with my mouth... but all my actions are saying WHOA GOD!!!! I'm NOT going there again!! But God doesn't want me to go through this dark time solo. I'm asking for a real close friend... but I'm refusing all that come within ten feet of me. Ugh... Dark times people... this isn't all of the dark times... this is just an issue that has come up during the dark times!! I need some prayer... some support... some friends :) To all my friends that are reading... and to all my "not friends anymore" friends... I love you guys. You are all something special... Peace.